i love table water crackers

i have a television routine.
i get upset if i miss more than 2 of the 3 episodes of will and grace that are aired daily.
this fact disturbs me.

i've been a mess. i havent been reading any of the 3 books that i should be reading. i've been late to work two days in a row. i have no money....at all. and i'm always tired. so i was so excited that my check cleared and i could finally get my ipod. and i was so excited that i went and got the wrong one. so i had to cancel it and make a completely different order...but the apple store hasnt credited my account yet so i cant even afford to get the right one. im a mess. and he hates me.

today isn't my best day. no it is not.



on the count of three
everybody run back to your fantasy.

joanna wallace

okay i think im in love with edie sedgwick.
they're supposed to be making a movie about her soon.
thank god.

i love everything thats beautiful and dramatic and ends badly...just like edie. she was so beautiful and tortured in a way. also i assume that i will go insane in my old age so i guess we can relate. well thats all there is to say about that.

i watched that hbo movie tonight "a girl in the cafe"...or "the girl in a cafe" whichever. it was so much more than what i thought. it was about so much more than i thought. very good though. i enjoy movies like that. very real, very honest, very dull almost. things that are dressed up with special effects and dramatic plotlines and happy endings dont sit well with me. i like seeing things that are mere reflections of reality. its not as if reality is boring. im thinking of some of my favorite movies right now like whale rider, office space, hero...these are all entertaining, moving, sensitive movies that convey truth. its not necessary to decorate life with fantasy, im sure its nice, but it just makes things crowded.

i just bought some cocoa spice tea and im going to make some right this minute. yum.


girl: "i'll never let you down"
boy: "i will"
girl: "i don't care as long as you're mine"

i wished it was sick boy.

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?


my television is fuzzy.
all i want to do is watch some damn cartoons.
i guess i'll just go back to sleep.

they call me mr. glass

I can't remember when it was good
Moments of happiness elude
Maybe I just misunderstood
All of the love we left behind
Watching the flash backs intertwine
Memories I will never find
So I'll love whatever you become
And forget that reckless thing we 've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun
And I'll feel my world crumbling
Feel my life crumbling
Feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
Falling away with you
Staying awake to chase a dream
Tasting the air you're breathing in
I know I won't forget a thing
I wish to hold you close and pray
Watching the fantasies decay
Nothing will ever stay the same
All of the love we threw away
All of the hopes we've cherished fade
Making the same mistakes again
Making the same mistakes again
And I'll feel my world crumbling
Feel my life crumbling
Feel my soul crumbling away
And falling away
Falling away with you
All of the love we left behind
Watching the flash backs intertwine
Memories I will never find
Memories I will never find


im not into my own words tonight.

our land.

today i went to the mall early in the morning like it was christmas.
i bought some pink rain boots.
good strolling weather.

okay so we were supposed to go see john legend in concert. i was pretty excited because i love his music PLUS the concert was free. it started at 3 and i was like hey guys lets leave at noon so we can get seats. everyones like cool idea lena...we were thinking the same thing except 2 hours later! so we get there and of course there are no seats, even the grass area close to the seats was packed. god knows people love free...anything. so we moped around a for a while, and then we decided to people watch...as an entire family. then we just walked around the east side which i have not done in a LOONG time, being that i am completely and voluntarily repulsed by the east side. but (i secretely love it) it wasn't so bad.

you know whats redamndiculous? i have a fucking burn mark on my arm from a stupid stupid popcorn kernel. one of them jumped out of the bowl and tried to kill me. now i have this dumb mark on the inside of my right arm in the perfect shape of a popcorn kernel. as if i dont have enough scars and marks and so on and so forth. im a pretty beat up kid. i probably should care more about that.

so all of us kids (just me) got my dad father's day gifts. well they're not awful...but they seem a little weak in my opinion. its a book, a dvd and a cd. the book is about fatherly advice from tv dads or something like that. while this is by far the most childish and tacky gift, i actually think he'll like it. we got him a ray charles 'live in brasil' dvd which is a typical "my dad" gift. i think he'll like it but it was a pretty brainless choice. then we got him this quincy jones and bill cosby cd. i thought that was just ridiculous. i saw the good doctor on the front of the cd sitting next to mr. jones smoking a cigar with sunglasses on and i just felt like it was too good to pass up. whether or not its any good...who knows. but yea another brainless choice on my part. so this wont be the best father's day ever. his birthday is in a month so i'll make sure that goes a little better. i actually have to figure out a way to wrap those presents using the random shit in my room. plus i have to go to church tomorrow. i haven't been there since easter. thank god (no pun intended) my parents have finally given up on me going to church. it was torture these last couple of years and i'm finally free.

so the mosque thats close to my house gives arabic lessons. fantastic! granted its just learning how to read the quran ( i actually had to look up the correct spelling of that...embarassing) but there are bound to be some useful words in there haha. yea i told my dad that i was hoping to do that and hes like "make sure they dont try to convert you" and i was like "yea...thats a christian thing" whats a little awkward is that i dont think it would take much to get me to switch sides so to speak. islam has always been my favorite. i always have found myself mystified by and defending it. it just seems to click with me for whatever reason. many people criticize the way they treat women, ugh i hate that i just said "they." anyways, i can understand the criticism, but how dare anyone who condones the way this society treats women judge islam. while i probably wouldn't be the first one in line at the burkha store, i find veiling to be extremely liberating and beautiful. why shouldnt i be cherished and loved and protected and respected behind a curtain. my looks have nothing to do with who i am. nothing. i dont want to get into my pro-islam speech, i just think that spending some time at the mosque will be a good thing for me. very good indeed.

i just finished watching some of hero, one of my favorite favorite movies. not only is it a beautiful story with incredible acting and mind blowing fight scenes, but the colors are just so damn sexy. its the most visually stimulating movie i think i've ever seen.

okay i think im going to get certified as a pilates instructor. i've been thinking it over for a while and its probably a really smart thing to do. considering that i am someone with essentially no goals or plan, i should probably have some sort of talent that i can make money off of. plus, i like it...ha. yea and i'm getting fat. good god am i getting fat. i went running yesterday which was good. and im doing my sit-ups every day from now on. but fat is really not a cute look for me. i just cant pull it off, nor will i ever try to. so yea, i'll be skinny with a job and money. not bad eh?

okay i have to wrap those presents and fall asleep. and i need to stop turning all of my shirts into flashdance knock offs. actually no i dont, who am i kidding.

the world i know
is a world too slow
it dont move fast enough
keep your head low

triple sec and cranberry juice cocktail.

so today was pretty depressing.
i got about 10 paper cuts and yelled at on the phone by a stranger.
not to mention i suck at life.

okay it feels like high school all over again. me going to the most boring job ever, coming home and falling asleep with the tv on, listening to music on my laptop, getting yelled at for my "disgusting" room and then staying up late talking about how everything is so damn lame. i really thought that i had left all of this behind. but i guess thats what happens when you come home. i may have changed, but this place never will. and guess what? its stronger than i ever will be.

haha okay i just woke up to find that i never finished writing let alone published it. its 8:30 and i have to be to work in exactly a half hour. i hope i'm late. so yea staying up until 3 was a really bad idea because...it just was okay. today after a long day at work i'm going to drive into the city and walk around like i still live there. something to look forward to eh?

pools of sorrow
waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
posessing and caressing me.

everybody loves raymond.

i went to work today.
i didn't do much but i did more than usual.
i guess i'm glad i have a job.

i took a really nice long nap today. it was a fordham nap. i've been extra tired lately for whatever reason. as much as i love sleep, i hate being tired. funny how that works out huh?
the absolute best thing about being home is being able to fall asleep to whatever loud music i want. last night i fell asleep to zero 7's destiny and somersault. my two favorite songs from one of my favorite groups. i cant even begin gto describe the emotions that come up from my stomache everytime i hear the song somersault. its a combination of sunday morning sunshine on broadway, cold air on astor place, and mushy romantic day dreams while snuggled under my blanket. god i hope that one day i have someone in mind when i sing that song to...or in heart. whichever. will and grace then bed. i love the mundane parts of my day.


You're the warmth in my summer's breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony key
You would share your last jelly bean
And you would somersault in sand with me

free.99

so i got my old job back at energy.
i start that tomorrow.
nine to five receptionist work.

i miss my city. especially today. i miss the long lines at whole foods. i miss the swings at central park with my hunter. i miss the 1 train. i miss christopher street and james' red door.

last night i brought back the ultimate "throw back" hair style...circa 7th grade. two french braids crossed in the back and pinned up like a russian ballerina. i remember when i first wore my hair like that to ballet class. my tiny little russian teacher came up to me and ran her fingers down my thick braids as a smile spread across her face and she said "today you remind me of home." people are so simple. and so are their needs.

its my dish week. i haven't had one of those in a long long time. there was so much drama in my house surrounding the dishes. thats so weird. i mean i was usually the one causing the drama. big surprise huh? my brother never had to do them because my parents always made some lame excuse why "he needs our help" and no one could ever remember when it was their week. haha maybe people aren't so simple. i would get so fucking mad over stupid dirty dishes. i mean genuinely mad. hmm...

so i got iTunes (so that i'm more motivated to save up my money and buy an iPod) and they have this feature called Party Shuffle, and it just makes a random playlist for you. and i dont know why, but its all of a sudden my new favorite thing. sometimes i'll get the best combinations of my awkward taste in music. just now i got to listen to cold water by damien rice, capoeira do brasil by sergio mendes, come close to me by common and amarain by amr diab. fantastic.

i've decided to start exercising next week. theres just too much good food in my house right now that i need to eat up. it would be stupid for me to pretend that i have a chance losing any weight when theres chocolate cake, blueberry pie and cookies everywhere. although i've really gotten to a point where i'm very comfortable with my body, i still feel like theres room for improvement. this year i really made an effort to not feel badly about myself. i mean there was a point when i really couldn't look at myself in the mirror but i started forcing myself to. and i realized that i'm not so bad haha. i look cute in my underwear and i shouldnt prefer death to bathing suits...even though i still do, but i'm working on it.

i need to go to cairo asap.


someday i'll look into her green eyes
and know that she'll come with me
a girl like you

gotcha!

ok so i randomly couldnt find my dusty little blog.
how annoying right?
well i found you and that is good because im in the mood to write.

okay so i dont know if im the only one dumb enough to do this...but there are certain situations in my life that i mentally fix with the occurance of one hypothetical event. in other words if this happens then everything will be fantastic. right so i do that all the time. i create these perfect little scenarios in my head and i dream up all the wonderful things that happen because of them and theres this whole other life i live in my dreams and in my long walks and drained stares and it never occurs to me that there is still the possibility that this life (however mythical and idealistic it may be) can come to fruition with the occurance of that one hypothetical event. so. it did. and now i'm lost. it was always "if this" or "if only that" and the bliss of living a double imaginary life that was comprised only of "this" and "that." but now they are here and ready to dance...shit. okay im not sure what im going to do. but im okay with this. sort of. i will make it work. okay.


anyways. i am home in new jersey. yes i am.
i do nothing all day long.
its depressing and fantastic all at the same time. and now that my grandparents have abandoned me here, i will not only do nothing all day long, but i will do it alone. i pretended that they were a burden while they were here. no it is not easy making sure that my grandmother doesn't wander out of the garden or leave the stove on during all 4 of her favorite soap operas. and the responsibility of making sure my grandfather has a USA today to read every day in addition to cooking him the world's best omlettes upon request could become daunting at times. but i miss them now. and i am always grateful for every second that i have with them....the second after the leave of course. because isn't that how everything seems to work. "you don't know what you got till its gone"...thanks for that joni.
things that i will enjoy about being home alone include:
1. walking around in my underwear because goddamn it is hot out and whatever weak excuse for "air conditioning" that my father has claimed to exist in this house just is not cutting it
2. singing whatever song i like at the top of my lungs...whenever i want. ha.
3. complete monopoly over the television during the day which probably means tons of martial arts movies, foreign flicks and the food network
yea i thought there would be more than 3 things on that list but what can i say, i'm a people person. so i watched before sunset today. the movie. right. it was pretty interesting. i was hoping to watch something that would make me cry, and it didn't make me cry at all. it was more like listening in on a very long and interesting conversation between two people with a very dramatic past together...in france. i liked it though. i would have liked to see the first one though because, i don't know why but i would have liked to have seen it.

okay i feel a little less depressed now that im listening to nina simone. i cant help but smile when i listen to mood indigo. because the image of me dancing like a madman at 6 in the morning in my underwear in front of the mirror after completing a 10 page paper is permanently attached to this melody. it just makes me want to do it all over again. without the 10 page paper. or insane amounts of caffine. or temporary insanity....actually keep the insanity.


oh i could drink a case of you
and still be on my feet