you brought me love
yea you were sweet and you were sound
you saved me.
you're the warmth in my summer's breeze
you're the ivory to my ebony key
you would share your last jelly bean
and you would somersault in sand with me.
you put my feet back on the ground
oh did you know you brought me love
yea you were sweet and you were sound
you saved me.
i dont think that i will ever ever ever get tired of that song. i dont think that i will ever ever ever forget the words. and i dont think that i will ever ever ever sing it with my eyes all the way open. no sir. it is just too damn good. and whenever it shows up is exactly when i need it.
strange week i believe. i did some things that i dont normally do. lost a friend to this crazy journey we call life (much less painful than losing a friend to this mysterious journey we call death, but nonetheless a bit sad). and i watched an obscene amount of television. well not television...dvds. dvds of television so i guess by default...television. doesnt matter. i stared at a box for hours upon end, and thats what matters. no regrets though. sometimes a whole lot of nothing can mean a whole lot of something. today a friend asked me, "when did you get to be so damn cool?"and i have no idea. i think it might have been this week haha. it was a wildly appropriate question considering that there were certain (2 specific) events in my life that took place this week that inspired me to be calm, flexible and even indifferent. now under normal "cool levels" these situations could have easily inspired me to be upset, obsessive and even irrational. however, i was (cool as) a cucumber. hmm. what to think. well since i'm the only person in the whole wide world who actually reads this blog i will just spill my little guts out so i can actually analyze these thoughts.
situation number one.
met a boy and went home with him. now i assure you that i was as angelic as can be and my actions were completely honorable with the (less than) dirtiest of intentions. kissing and sleeping and that is all. however. however. is this what i do now? is that whats going to happen now? i mean i would have never in a million years imagined that i would just so readily and happily gone to the apartment of a complete stranger WHILST intoxicated and emotionally distraught (it was a very very long night). it didnt occur to me at any point that i may not be exactly safe. it didnt occur to me at any point that my mother might completely lose her mind (and faith in me) had she known. i just thought, this is what i want to do and this is what im doing now. and i was fine. it was fine. it was really nice actually. so that in itself is a situation but to go further... i have not heard from this gentleman in 2 days. would it be nice to hear from him? probably. i'm sure. but am i upset? not at all. curious? barely. speculating? obviously, i mean my life isnt terribly exciting so what else do i have to do but run through millions of possible scenarios that would warrant the result (or lack thereof) at hand. but i don't actually care. i see the thought process but theres no genuine emotion behind it. maybe a few flashbacks every now and then of that terribly romantic and wild night (i remember the snuggles best) but what will be will be. i don't know "what i do now" or "who i am now." all i know is that i have nothing else to say about that.
situation number two.
my friend moved across the country and didn't say goodbye (even though i very specifically asked him to do so for completely selfish reasons). stupidity tries. i suppose that i have felt the distance long before the move. for a few months now (i would love to be more specific but on the off chance that someone i know does read this crap i wouldnt want to blow any spots if you catch my drift) i have noticed a shift in our friendship. more a drop than a shift. not to say that we were exactly attached at the hip before. in fact our friendship had little or nothing to do with social, physical or verbal interaction. it existed almost solely through words. written conversations. stories. secrets. you know, little things like that. regardless this is someone that i cared very much about. someone that i believe in with all my heart and soul and felt that they could accomplish anything and succeed at everything (notice the sloppy jumps from past to present tense). and then i just kind of faded. i wasn't cut but my spotlight grew dimmer and dimmer until t(he)y just unplugged the damn thing. i soon learned of this person through the mouths of others....in the dark. and then finally they left me behind in every sense of the expression. and its a dull sadness i suppose. more of a shadow of a real sadness. i wish it was different and i feel that things panned out unfortunately but i am fine. no tears. no cringes. just a few pangs of regret. c'est la vie.
can't think of a good picture for this post. thats odd i usually know just what to select. okay got one. i think that this may be one of those nights that i stay awake for hours and hours for absolutely no reason. i hope its not. i have laundry to do tomorrow. and theres nothing worse than waking up late to do your laundry. i can't wait to move into my new room. i've been there for quite some time now. getting comfy and such. it doesnt have my things yet. thats all it needs. theres nothing better than lying in your bed and looking around the room to see all the lovely and silly things that you have collected over the years. the things that mean so much and the things that you cant remember to save your life. tacky gifts and precious trinkets (for your pockets).
i had to change the song. it was becoming very difficult for me to listen to someone absolutely sing their heart out. i am now listening to radiohead's "a reminder." a great song that i dont think enough people (even) know about. it makes me feel very small. which i need every now and then. and right now i need chet baker to fly me to sleep. sounds good.
