ichi ni san

for whatever reason
it is really
really
hot in my room right now.

so i havent written in a while. there has been quite a bit to say but im not really one for short term memory so i guess its all lost. right now, im downloading some songs from this group belanova that i saw on univision late late last night. to be honest im not sure if i think they're any good yet and im trying to convince myself that im giving them a chance for some unknown reason that has nothing to do with the fact that i liked the lead singers RANDOM lopsided hair. good god its hot in here.

today i watched dear frankie with my mom. i like that movie. i love that kid. i appreciated the ending. no romance, no drama....just real life. sometimes things just end in ways that dont make everyone happy or solve any problems, they just end. which is nice in a way. it reminds us of our insignificance. speaking of which...the earth is really starting to freak me out. i know that nature is objective...according to jack london at least, but it always seems like the poorest people cant catch a break...in the natural disaster department specifically. its just really frustrating. more so for them im sure. but for me as well. i really dont have the energy or information to go further into this without sounding ignorant and whiny so im going to stop.

last night i got to dance with my grandfather. thats usually the plan at family parties. get pop pop drunk so he'll bust a move with me. and it worked. my grandmother danced too. they are just so fucking cute sometimes i cant stand it. the best was when lil john came on and my grandfather literally asked me, "okay so how do i dance to this?" he figured it out. i love looking at pictures of grandfather (pop pop's dad). he was so handsome. and my aunt paula looks just like him. with his jet black straight hair and sharp nose and thin mouth. hes so carib looking i love it. we have so many old photographs. i really shouldve made it my business this summer to get them all restored and safely in albums. god knows my grandmother just throws them in shopping bags from the dollar store and shoves them in a drawer somewhere. haha random side note. today my grandmother was wearing a "the young and the restless" tee shirt, plaid gaucho pants, stockings and tennis shoes. it was a cross between punk and crazy. it just cracked me up.

so im excited to go back to school soon. kind of. im going to miss my family and my bed and my house and my job. i'll miss audra and bella and susie shaer and kim trapani. tomorrow im going to find out about getting sponsored for the pilates program. hopefully they'll pay for all my shit which would be FANTASTIC.

its officially too hot for this computer to be on.
goodnight.


oh and bianca i love you and we should hang out very very soon.

you didnt fuck my boyfriend...i fucked your boyfriend, AND i did it first.

i will love
and worship
esthero for all time.

i will strive to emulate
her in all aspects of my life.

most importantly i will not
do or say anything with out
first consulting her via the
wisdom of her music thus
allowing her to dictate
my life.


god damn i love the way my ears are ringing right now.
esthero is king.


long as i have my voice
i dont need arms to hold me.

lets hug it out bitch.

i am slow.
i do things slowly.
time is my best friend.

you would think that people who have known me either my entire life or theirs, would understand that i rarely do anything quickly. i take my time with things, regardless of what they are. especially if i am asked to forgive or forget, i crank it down to turtle speed. its not like i NEVER do things, i just do them slowly. and im sure that this is wrong, but i feel like im "owed" the right to take my time. i dont feel like explaining that statement. even though i would just be explaining it to myself...because no one reads this, but whatever.

so i saw wedding crashers. amazing. i would absolutely ask vince vaughn to marry me...today. i always see the funniest movies with jeannine. so a couple of days ago i swore to myself that i would exercise everyday and stop eating like it was going out of style. that didnt work out well. but thats okay. im such a pseudo-motivator.

mmm...im going to get some japanese food tomorrow. i also have to work for sara tomorrow. so i'm going to need the japanese food to nourish my devil raped soul. i wouldnt mind working for sara if she paid me on time. well thats a lie, i always mind working for sara because shes not only completely insane and awkward, but i get mini panic attacks just being in her basement. and i've only proven myself to be completely irresponsible, shady and inept....yet she loves me. and i dont appreciate that.

i get mean streaks. and i get them with my dearest friends. its a terrible horrible disgusting thing. but i cant control myself. i guess you could call them mood swings, but i prefer mean streaks. its just that for whatever reason, people that im completely and genuinely crazy about start to annoy me to no end, and literally make me cringe. just a simple hello or goodbye or how are you makes my stomach turn. its so absolutely insane. i hope i can snap myself out of it...eventually.

does the oxy-clean guy really need to shout? no he fucking doesnt.

do you want me to change?
well i change for good
and i want you to know
that you'll always get your way
i wanted to say...
don't you shiver?

le toi du moi

im a crazy girl.
who hates her job.
and loves her bed.


so yea i know i dont do anything at work, and i really shouldnt be complaining...but i hate it. i hate the mean housewives, i hate the computer and the index cards, i hate ordering breakfast, i hate the music, i hate giving people information. god i dont know what im going to do with my life.
i really think that once i graduate im going to go to either culinary school or cosmetology school or something like that. hopefully i'll finish the pilates program this year, so i'll have that. but i just dont see myself having a "real" job. not that being a chef or a hair dresser or a pilates instructor doesnt mean having a real job, i just dont think im going to have the job that my 40,000 a year college education expects of me. which is why i dont really know why im in college. granted im learning quite a bit, and im meeting great people...but if college is supposed to be preparing me for my life in 3 years then im wasting a whole lot of money. we'll see i guess...i dont even know why im thinking about this right now, its pretty dumb.

i dont have much to say. i have to go to sleep. i have work in the morning. pfft.



in all kinds of weather we would share
this common pleasure
with most of human kind
it was kind of treasure
one i was surely glad to find

hey look at that girl

Leave me alone
I just want to lay here in my room and let myself cry
I apologize if I've disappointed you
I got lost in my darkness and the light hurts my eyes

I know you're counting on me to feed all of our families
But I just need to be on my own for a little while
Cause I can't stop singing these melancholy melodies
So until then I'll hide

I feel tired all the time, yeah, this weight is exhausting
I cannot please everyone, least of all me
I have no more to give you, it's all ready been stolen
Tell me, what's left for me, a melancholy melody

I know you're counting on me to feed all of our families
But I just need to be on my own for a little while
Cause I can't stop singing these melancholy melodies
So until then I'll hide, I'll hide

Well you think I'm scared to write
That I've got nothing left inside and I'm losing all my fire
But it still burns bright, just not on your command

You think I'm scared to write
That I've got nothing left inside and I'm losing all my fire
That I'm losing all my fire, am I losing all my fire?
Still burns bright, brighter yeah
Leave me alone, just wanna lay here alone in my room and let myself cry

I know you're counting on me to feed all of our families
But I just need to be on my own for a little while
So stop calling my phone, please don't come around my home
I just wanna be alone

I know you're counting on me to feed all of our families
But I just can't stop singing these melancholy melodies, yeah
I just wanna be, I just wanna be…alone


goddamn i missed her.
july 21st...i've got a hot date with her.
mmm...you're so jealous.

one day one day one too many days.

today i bought a new dress.
and i forgot to call hunt on her birthday.
it was a good day until i remembered.

damnit. i always do stupid shit like this. actually thats a big lie, i never do shit like this. im usually so good with birthdays and calling my friends and letting them know how much i love them. but i really fucked up today. i was supposed to go to the brazilian film festival today but since hurricane daniel or whatever the fuck his name is decided he'd not only wreck cuba, but my day as well...i stayed home. so i got home and watched bowling for columbine with jules, then i went and bought a dress with audra, then i came back and fell asleep with my ipod. i ate dinner, watched the mets game, watched a movie with my family and then it occured to me that i had something really really important to do today. i was supposed to call hunt and tell her happy birthday and then go to the city and have a margarita with her and sleep at her house and talk about our lives and complain about boys and watch late night tv and then go to sleep. but i didnt. because i suck. and i feel really really bad about all of this. really bad. and it doesnt help that i'm listening to the pyramid song right now either. aaagghhh.

oh perfect, i just changed the song and now its staying fat by bloc party. perfecto.
okay i really wanted to share the good parts of my day like dress shopping or finding a house in mexcio for next summer...but i really can't. i feel too much like crap. i hope she calls me back because i hate going to sleep feeling like things are unresolved. i hate it when im actually a bitch.


all flowers in time
bend towards the sun
i know you say that theres no one for you
but here is one

so much wasted in the afternoon

i am at work right now.
this very moment.
i do nothing here.

so i got my mini ipod in the mail yesterday. i know im about 3 years late with that but whatever, i had fun setting it up. i was just contemplating going into an "i love music so freaking much" speech but i decided against it. it only leaves me frustrated. so today diana and i are going to sit in my basement and watch movies and eat a lot of food that we shouldn't be eating. god its good to be home. people at school just dont know how to do depressed the right way. since i was randomly hung over yesterday (delayed reaction) i not only came to work about 20 minutes late, but i also left about 2 hours early. so i decided to stay late today because my broke ass needs to get paid. but i dont think thats going to happen. i'll probably stay until 2 or so and then run out of here screaming...like i normally do.
wow that was the most boring thing i've ever written. now that we all know that i pathetically plan my escapes from my place of work lets move on.

i spoke to bella on the phone today..mi amor. i love the way she says my name, like she gets a big kick out of it. mind you she is 4 years old so its very possible that she does in fact get a big kick out of it. i love kids.

so yesterday, toya mom and me watched spanglish. what an amazing movie! it was nothing like i imagined. i thought it was just going to be a quirky comedy and it was but it was so much more than that. it was truly beautiful and i plan on watching it again. the first five minutes of it was in mexico..what more could you ask for haha. i love mexico so much. i think that i'm going to have to live there for a certain amount of time. i want to rent a house down there for a month next summer. its not that expensive. recently i've been pretending to be concerned about getting sick down there but thats a lie. okay my body is seriously beyond amazing. i dont mean that in a oooh check me out kinda way, but with all the terrible horrible things that i've done to it, its surprisingly resilient. i mean i drink like a fish with half a liver, i smoke everything on god's green earth with mild asthma, i eat crap, never exercise, and yes on occasion i drink soda (but thats a really big fucking secret so dont tell).

bleh my boss just called me with shit i actually have to do today. i get to make phone calls inviting people to a sonic healing session with john dumas! hooray! honestly if some guy is gonna chant over me with a digeridoo and try to cleanse my soul he better be the fucking CHIEF of an aboriginal tribe not some white dude with long hair and birkenstocks. no offense ha. i love how everyone talks around here. "ooh her energy was so bad i couldn't even touch her" "oh my god his ora was just so overwhelming" "wow have we spiritually cleansed the studio today?" REAL PEOPLE DONT TALK LIKE THAT. its so fucking ridiculous. so you cleansed your energy but you're still gonna sit behind the desk with me and talk shit about lindsay lohan because guess what...thats real. thats how i balance my fucking ora haha. whatever i shouldnt really start complaining. i love everyone here. in all their pseudo intellectual capitalist driven spiritual mumbo jumbo....they're good people and i can appreciate that if nothing else. okay im going to read some more of my book before people start acutally getting here and i have to waste my time on looking busy.



friends...check.
money...check.
well slept...check.
opposite sex...

wow...that escalated quickly

shit got out of control.
i watched it get out of control.
but i didnt stop it.
i embraced it.
i spooned it.

haha i had waay to much crazy fun down in maryland. i cant even begin to talk about all that went down these past 3 days. i made some new friends, and became closer to others. it was worth the 4 hours of greyhound hell. its gonna take me a week to work off all the booze i sucked down haha. but as kia would say, i'm renegade so it'll get done. while i may never see those people ever again, i'll be telling stories about this weekend for years to come, and they shall live through my words, laughs and gags...most likely. okay i have to go to work in a really short amount of time. damnit. to be continued.


on the count of three.
everybody run back to your fantasy.
go.