its been a while.

it has been a long long time.

but i can't sleep.

the feeling is the same. 

i had to get a google account just to write this down...and naturally it feels a little stupid at this point. we have all known the long loneliness...

this is what i feel now. the long loneliness. now im not so sure what that means for me. i am pretty sure that it does not mean i should dedicate my life to the catholic church like dorothy day, but it worked for her so i can't really knock it. i just feel so sad. i am sick and i am sad. i have everything that i had hoped i would at this point in my life plus a few extras. i have a beautiful apartment in brooklyn...the stuff dreams are made of.  i have a beautiful boyfriend that loves me very very much....the stuff dreams dream they were made of. and im miserable. i cant sleep im so sad. im sick now which doesnt help. but its not just the sick, its whats inside. i have nothing to give. i dont care. i am doing and feeling crazy things, horrible mixed up nasty things that i never should do but i cant stop myself. i have such a big void that i'll do anything to fill it. if i dont leave my "job" soon i will get myself fired. and i have NEVER been fired from a job before, or even come close to it, but i have such disdain and on a good day apathy for that place that i can't imagine this going on much longer. i couldn't care less. you know whats funny, i always say 'i could care less'  which im sure is telling the truth. of course i could care less than i care but i can't imagine that now. i applied for a job tonight at a hotel. i could care less. i just need to get out of that damn restaurant because it is making me sick. and my puppies. if someone asked to buy those damn puppies today i would've sold them. and what kind of person can honestly say them. i never wanted dogs that was his idea. and i couldnt say no. they are cute and kind. but they piss and shit all over my already pissy shitty life. they dont shut up. they jump and bite and bark and pull. and all i want to do is run away. and i cant. because they are there. i was accused of making him feel trapped or under pressure this weekend. i am the one that is trapped. i cant do nothing. i cant do nothing right. i am so fucking sad. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. and now i got the idea in my head to write a book. i cant write a book i cant even do my laundry without getting too depressed to move. i cant even sleep in my big expensive bed with my lovely boyfriend without getting too depressed to move. i cant afford therapy. i cant even afford a drinking problem. and all the while i feel so suffocated and congested. literally and figuratively. i blame myself which im sure doesnt help. i have boxed myself into this corner of hell. and whats even better is that i dont think anyone really knows. im so good at looking happy and making jokes and being silly and helping everyone else feel better, except him i'm terrible at helping him, that i forgot that maybe i should be trying to get some help. even now, i want to just wake him up and tell him how i feel but why! so i can selfishly interrupt his peaceful sleep to whine about pathetic bourgeois woes that he can do nothing to help. what a nightmare. i dont know what im here for. i feel like all i do is exhaust others and myself. i want to run away. i want to move to mexico. i am so sick of being myself. i wear the same clothes and i make the same empty promises. im going to go on a diet and lose weight. im really going to find a new job. im going to pay all my debt. im going to clean up more. im going to stop complaining. i dont do shit. i really dont. this world...... i can't even incorporate my little self into a sentence beginning with 'this world' that is how fucking insignificant i am. no one cares. even the empty warmth i chase rejects me. the stupid vapid empty artificial void filler is too busy for me.  even i reject myself as i type these words. but i knew i had to get it out. and i had no where else to go. my solution to this crisis is an old blog i forgot the password to. fuck. 

i think i need to go to church. i need to just pray in the back of a church and cry and sniffle and cry and pray and let the glass and the wood and the water and the music just flood over me the way only church can. 'you take away the sins of the world have mercy on us' that is my favorite part. always makes me shed a tear. maybe i'll try a new church in my neighborhood. 

oh and my grandmother is in the hospital. maybe that isn't helping all this. shes fine so they say, and she looks fine, i know shes fine. but when youre 90 you are never fine. when you are 90 people dont expect you to wake up and its considered fine. so yea im not ready to even think about that AT ALL EVER STOP THINKING NOW UGH. 

okay so i'll go to church tomorrow maybe. i hate it when he leaves. even though it scares me that i dont think he can help...deep down i really dont. i still hate it when hes not here. i hate to be alone. and i am always always alone. i guess thats how the long loneliness works. no matter where you are or what youre doing you are alone. and im so tired of fighting this by myself. i never thought i was really that strong. and i dont think anyone else did. 

i cant do this anymore.