strength for now means strength for later.

escape sounds fantastic.


right now i feel crappy.
louis armstrong is trying to help.
but hes not doing so good.

ive been studying for most of the day. fucking congratulate me. it was exciting actually because my mother called and asked me if i was studying and i could truthfully say that i was. i read for my dumb history class that im not doing so well in. i have to meet with my professor and talk about 'my grade' whatever the fuck that means. i also fell up the stairs on my way back from studying. i think i just forgot what i was doing mid-step and i tripped and fell on my knee and my wrist. my wrist hurts pretty terribly right now but theres nothing i can do about that. it was right that i fell. i needed the physical evidence to support my emotional pain. not like thats dramatic or anything.

so i wrote a mission statement today. its in reference to my academic life or lack thereof. i need to make a few lifestyle adjustments. just for a little bit. i signed it and i had two witnesses sign it as well. and i refuse to put my name on something that i dont believe in so kids, this shit is for real.

i really enjoyed being home and with my family. sabrina had a good time also. a good time rolling on my face while we were alseep haha. i love her though. before we fell asleep on thursday we spoke about life and america and tackling business executives on madison ave. i find that i come to my most vivid life revelations when i am in bed in the dark talking to a good friend. that sounds very old fashioned and romantic of me. i think it is. anyways. i enjoyed my family very much. we ate a little too much and talked a little too loud and laughed a little too long. it was perfect. i watched movies...as always. i slept late. i strutted around in my robe. it was a nice break from being just any other girl. i went to mitsuwa with diana and saw the love of my life...just where i left her. then we watched sixteen candles in the basement and i fell asleep and diana yelled and i fell asleep again. and then when the movie was over i watched diana dance. in a non-creepy way ha. theres just something about being home and being with your best friend. you feel like nothing can touch you. just like youre back in your bubble where you belong...the only place you could ever belong.

funny points:
--my father calling the emancipation of mimi a versatile album
--my cousin explaining the art of text messaging and how it enhances his 'game'... particularly when he responds to text messages with the phrase 'how does that make you feel?'
--watching my global governance professor's cracked out e-card with sabrina in my room
--noticing the offensive size of carl's ears with my siblings and sabrina
--my grandmother being drunk and belligerent threatening to kill anyone who left dishes in the sink with her bare hands

there are more that could never be perceived as funny after being explained in words. i have now exceeded my 14 minute break by 7 minutes. its time to get back to the grind. oh arabic, how could you. my heart is drenched in wine.

i will disappear soon for a while. i have quite a bit of damage control to do. but i will return with more complaints, funny memories and random thoughts.

you shall not repeat a false report.

i know how you feel


i really really really
hate school right now
and could seriously do without it.


so i got up nice and early to do this damn theology paper. i did a little bullshit outline. and was satisfied. so i went to the caf to get some breakfast. i ate it. i came back and stared at my computer...chatted it up on AIM. then i took a 20 minute nap. and now im back. thinking im kinda fucked. my two hundred and twenty six words may not cut it. i wish i cared so much more. right now i would love nothing more than to just crawl back into bed and have astrud gilberto sing me to sleep. but instead im sitting here...typing to you...while astrud gilberto sings me to sleep.

what the hell is wrong with me. i mean i know this is completely normal...hating school, being lazy and spoiled and broke. but i was always so good at convincing myself i wasnt normal...before. but now the evidence supporting the opposite is fucking overwhelming and it pisses me off. not as much as this paper though. no, the paper wins. according to my friend jill, "you're going to write a magnificent paper. your teacher is literally going to pass out and die when she reads it. and you'll get an A++, which will matter more than your teacher's death. much more." i appreciate her kind yet foolish words. i mean im not asking for much, certainly not death....i am only asking for the shortcut, the easy way out, the smooth edges and even smoother sailing. thats all. it can't possibly be too much to ask can it? evil perhaps but too much? ugh.

i have to get back to typing this. i must remember. i am real and i am good. i can handle this. and no matter what, diana is coming tomorrow. thank the lord.

dreadlock holiday.

i need to stop
being a lazy asshole
just for a while.


i always seem to think that i have a right to be lazy. im not really sure where that idea came from but it needs to burn up and die. im not owed anything by anyone in this world. i have a disgustingly easy life yet i still sometimes feel that i need to indulge my complacency. so dumb.

with that said im probably not going to go to pilates tomorrow. i just dont really care. im starting to think i shouldn't have signed on to do this certification deal. but thats also so dumb. i really do enjoy doing it and i need to face the fact that i will need to eat and have a place to live one day....and those things require money. money i need to make.

there are a few songs that i have listened to lately that i really like. the thing that makes these few songs so goddamn special is that they are all songs i have heard possibly the first 10-15 seconds of many many times and have simply skipped over them. i encourage you all to listen to each song you may stumble upon in its
entirety...you may be pleasantly surprised.

speaking of surprises. sometimes surprises are not so pleasant. especially when they come from people who know nothing about you yet still feel that they have the right to assume things...personal things. i think im most surprised at the misconception of obligation. i am not obligated to do anything ever. period. i feel obligated to do certain things based on my personal morals, the way i was raised, the postion of venus' 3rd moon, etc. however i am not obligated to do anything....i feel as though that is not understood very well by others. none of my actions or lack of actions entitle anyone to assume anything...ever. thats just me being real. yea.

okay i need to go to bed and at least give myself a chance of getting up early. just needs to happen. i wish i was talking to him now.

my life is brilliant. my love is pure.

say hello to james blunt


you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're beautiful its true.

i saw your face in a crowded place. i just got back from my little boston excursion. one problem...i was one week too early. so instead of dragging myself back to new york city, i decided to take the ride up with my mom and my brother (he was going to check out northeastern anyways) and spend the weekend with my family. good call on my part. i got to hang out with my grandparents which is always a pleasure. bond with my new aunt. be a total fool with my brother. and see a little bit of boston.
sometimes its just nice to be around family...or as i like to call them blood.
i could go into my whole family speech...because like most things, i have one ready and waiting but im not going to. if you know anything about me, you know how much my family means to me and that they are who i am and who i can only dream of being one day. so theres that.
theres this fantastic song playing right now, and i don't know what it is..or who even made it. im thinking its daft punk. or possibly groove armada. its one of those songs that i hear maybe once every 6 months and just die everytime.

bat your eyes girl
be other worldly

i shoved my face with fish and chips while i was in boston and now i think i have a permanent stomache ache. sometimes...all you really need is some greasy food and some trashy television to make you feel good. but now im paying the price.

sometimes i have the most awful terrible thoughts. thoughts of horrible things happening to me and i really truly wish they would just...not. but i cant even control my own brain haha figures. i shouldve taken a nap a long time ago.
so long and fare thee well.

i miss the witching hour.

i have lots to do
not sure how thats going to work out
if it works out at all

so huuuge-o arabic quiz tomorrow. not so sure if im ready. but i studied for a long long time in the good old lab-o and im going to move it on down to the study lounge in a bit. i decided today that im definitely going to concentrate in middle eastern and north african studies. its the much less logical and much more obvious choice.

okay wow i was speaking with my sister online and i said "suite" instead of saying sweet. good god. it was pretty disgusting actually. i dont know whats been up with me lately. ive been a mess to say the least. not really though. if you ever have known what its like to be a mess and not be a mess at precisely the same time...figure out a way to articulate that feeling so i sound like less of an overly emotional freakshow. thanks!

i actually have nothing to say right now. how inconvenient.
study tiiiime.

ding dong the witch is dead...

i feel as though
it is time
i wrote a proper
journal entry.


however, now that i have sit down to do so...im not sure if have anything to say at all. this weekend has been pretty interesting. i hung out with pretty much the same people doing pretty much the same things, yet it was pretty much exciting. i enjoy my friends a lot. its nice to be able to sit down with people you know...not necessarily inside and out but enough to not feel like you have to entertain them. let me get back on track, its nice to be able to sit down with people you know and talk about nothing in very intelligent ways and do nothing in very active ways and just chill essentially. chillin.

turns out magic mike is still on the east coast...more specifically the east village. he also seems to think that i am his soul mate. not sure i possibly could say more about that.

i hate it when my room gets nasty the way it does sometimes. (when i say my room i mean my side of the bedroom) i just dont understand how all of my clothes seem to wind up outside of my closet and my desk becomes full of papers and empty water bottles and crap i'v never even seen before...frankly. i cant think when things are messy the way they are right now. yet somehow...about 2 hours after i clean, every time, it gets just as nasty as it was before. im not giving up.

im not too sure how i feel about this weather. carly and i have come to the conclusion that magic mike must've had some role in this sudden heat wave of sorts...i wouldn't put it past him, trust me. but i had just settled into my new coat and all that scarves and hats were out. im all for strolling weather but this seems to be a tad ridiculous. 60 degrees in november...that ain't right.

as it is now 3:27 pm and i have only recently awakened, i think its a good time to get in the shower and clean my room and eat some damn cereal. now if only i could figure out how to get some milk. oh fucking hell. just remembered that i missed my knitting lesson today. thats disappointing. for whatever reason i've been dying to learn how to knit for the longest time. it just seems like the cutest most relaxing shit anyone could ever do...ever.

let me just tell you...im listening to coolio- fantastic voyage. and i dedicate it to my cousin jeannine. nothing better.

two way monologues

i have not
been drunk
in a while
i forgot this feeling.


i am in no state to be writing a blog entry...yet here i am. here i am not writing a blog entry though. i had a nice night with my friends. just chilling and being dumb. going to gay bars which is something i have not done in quite a while. listening to sondre lerche. wearing cut off tee shirts and singing bjork. nothing i say will make sense. soooo happy.






i played dead....and the hurting stopped.

please turn off cell phones as it is a disturbance.

i am in the language lab
i just attempted to make a rap
saying as much
it didnt work out so well.
obviously.

my nail polish is chipped and terribly ugly. i should probably go about removing it, but i doubt that'll happen any time soon. i love/hate the way the keyboards sound in here. so loud...like big raindrops hitting a tin roof...but not really. whatever. im listening to groove armada which is something i haven't done in a while. 'a private interlude' is such a good name for a song.
im not sure what i planned on writing about. i've been pretty average these days. not too good and not too bad. it works. i just got a chicken wrap in the cafeteria and i threw half of it out. that was really really dumb. especially since i have $2.10 left on my dumb card. elizabeth the love of my life always charges me for less than what i actually get. shes so sweet. i just noticed recently that she did that...i wonder how long its been going on.
now dr. nelson has arrived in the llc and we're acting a damn fool....as usual. i just started doing the robot and lip synching daft punk with my air traffic control headphones on....and nell discreetly informed me that she was currently listening to "cherry pie" on her ipod. full price kids....full price. now we're being even bigger creeps than normal. if people only knew what goes on in my sick mind...if they only knew. i think for fun...sick twisted uninhibited fun...one day im going to do everything i imagine myself doing in my head, and say comment i mumble and just be the real scary creepster me that i try to hide...at least as long as the suns out.

so its a drago day tomorrow. 7-4. goddamn im gonna lose my mind. not the first or last time though. lets be real. for a goddamn minute. just ate some really good yams down in the cafeteria...not like i eat too much or anything. i need to START doing arabic homework now...or something haha.

beekeeper's society.

hero.
i'll write more.
later.