when they finish she sleeps on the floor.
i have locked myself in my room
i have been in here for hours
with no contact...at all.
i will not swim out past my head.
i woke up in pain today. which is sooo annoying you know. i mean at least give me a chance to work up to pain...i mean if i start there, i dont think i can really build up to anything. which is why i've resorted to nothing. absolutely nothing. its not really pathetic though. at least from my viewpoint haha. i mean ive decided to get a little down time in. a little me time in. a little sad time in. and just because that involves me shutting out everyone and everything for a bit doesnt make it bad or wrong. it is what it isss.
weve been to the top weve been to the bottom weve known everything and forgotten
oh yes the butterflies are still there
i think i made my mother cry today. not on purpose, and not maliciously. i just think that sometimes i am too quick to talk. yea, im too quick to talk. i mean you can have a conversation with someone and be able to sort of monitor the emotions on both ends. where i could have chosen to not point things out, i did. and where i could have chosen to stop, i didnt. i have a feeling this is going to be quite easily misinterpreted. it wasnt as if we were having an argument or i was making her feel bad about something. the situation that she had wanted to discuss was a situation that i have noticed and disliked for quite some time. so instead of really listening, i think i was too quick to talk and i just made her feel as though the situation was much more serious and hopeless than i should have. and i am sorry for that. i do that often i think.
apparently i have a habit of not acknowledging when someone speaks...at random. and i do know why that happens....and it pisses me off a lot. but thats done. however, i really want to work on that, because it seems like a most disgusting and offensive habit to have. i rarely excuse behavior that i find disgusting and offensive in others. i am pretty harsh, but i have sound logic to support myself. so..i have to be just as harsh with myself. if i dont excuse others for being short on a bad day, i certainly can not excuse myself for ignoring people when they speak at random. i want to be more aware...in every sense of that statement. i want to be more aware of the way i act and how it affects others. i want to be more aware of how i speak and how it represents me. i want to be more aware of why i chose the things i chose. why i like the things i like. why i think the things i think. how i react. just basically me...and how i make a difference. in a very very small way hah. im aware of how small. but still. one look that i give could really make a difference in someones day. or one song i sing in my head could make a difference in my day. for example...last night i noticed that i was playing two songs on repeat. both entitled, "over our heads." now that doesnt seem healthy does it? had i chosen to listen to, "blackbird" or maybe "you're my flame" or "holdin on together" my night may have been different. or maybe not. it matters though...one way or the other.
some soup would be nice right now. haha i just had a really awkward encounter. and its making me laugh out loud. laughing has been getting me into trouble quite a bit. i really dont understand what the big fucking deal is. something strikes me as amusing or cute or strange and i laugh. sorry? im sorry im not sorry?
nah fuck that. i laugh all the time. and it makes me happy. and thats all there is to it. ::folds arms and nods head::
see now im actually in the mood to get out of this bed but i think that i have lost all the strength in my legs and abdomen. not to say that i had much to loose, but that only further proves my suspicion. i am no longer capable of standing...or walking...or contacting? its pretty sweet that my roomate abbe got that about me...today. she got that i wasnt gonna be that good at contacting today. shes on the couch lying down and watching some tube. shes a good girl.
done rambling...for now.
im in love with an aussie named sia.
posted by lena @ 2:25 PM
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