now i don't...i used to

my life has been reduced to
the shuffle songs setting on my ipod
and dancing in my underwear.


so today was very weird...as far as days go. i woke up nice and early to get to drago's before mostly everyone else. tom told me i had to wait to work with ellio until 12 because of a scheduling mistake, but that was okay. i was still doing great. some 7 foot tall swedish guy wanted to teach me mat and i could use the workout. so i was feeling good. i even got a client! this crazy old lady that loves me wants me to teach her which is AOK with me because i get paaaid. and shes insane. but then when noon came around and i was all excited to work with ellio some random lady starts working out with him and i got all teary eyed and puffy and i asked tom what the fuck was up and he told me there must be a mix up. so i didnt even get my seeion today that i waited 2 weeks for. damnit. so i got all huffy (no one noticed) and left to come home and study for arabic. i think i did well on this quiz, i didnt have enough time though, as usual.

so then after the quiz i went to the caf with tj and andy and we spent a good 3 hours together talking about migrant workers, the irony of Liberia, and worshipping the dead in pagan religions. of course we did. then i made myself a shitload of food and ate it in front of the television which always depresses me. i hate writing journal entries that just follow me through the day. i dont know why i decided to write this but whatever.

its so much better when everyone is in, are you in?
i've been feeling good these past couple of days. i've been making some new friends which always is amazing, i've been getting those endorphins pumping, i've been spending some quality time with old friends which is always amazing, and thats all i really have....i felt like there was more making me happy but i guess you dont need much more than friends and endorphins haha. tomorrow will be a long day that ends with a movie night at a kids house i've never been to. awesome? we'll see.

anyways...i need to sleep. ahhh who am i talking to!? i hate these kinds of journals. are you in by incubus is a really really good song. bedtime.

i just couldnt take the hurt again

today isnt so good.
and i dont know why.
which is so disappointing.

i just sat down at my desk and right back into high school. i had hoped that i was past this, but i guess you never get past it.....you just learn to forget. i dont even want to dignify this with description. i really wish i could just be away right now...but i most certainly can not.

now i will try to go to sleep?

yea i saw sparks.

today i skipped pilates
and stood up drago for our date
i almost feel guilty.


so my life is pretty busy these days. going to bed every night by 11, getting up every morning by 6. i never thought i could be so damn productive. i got an A on my arabic quiz and 100 on my theology quiz. and yea...i need to brag. im working really hard and im not sure what for. but someone once told me that it'll all work out...and thats a promise. the only thing that i hate about the "new me" is that im always tired. i hate being tired, because that just means i'm going to sleep more. and i hate sleeping because that just means i'm going to miss out on the fun stuff.

i think i'll go home on sunday just for a little bit. maybe to take a nap and drop off my brother's birthday present. hes incredibly old these days. so i realized that i'm pretty much all talk. i always knew that, but i really faced it this last week. when it comes to a lot of things i pretend to be one way but im really not. i've never really been in a fight...except for the dumb girly kind that only exists in your mind, i dont dislike people as much as i say i do, im genuinely happy most of the time either that or im genuinely scared. im not quite as lazy as i make myself seem. i'm definitely as needy as i claim to be. im defintely not brave...just thought id throw that in there. ugh great, now ive gone and depressed myself and i want to take a nap.

im not sure when i first heard the song destiny. its so beautiful though. it may have been on mtv2 or something like that. i love zero7 they just might be my favorite band. i'm into favorites these days. i feel the need to claim things as my favorite... i think thats dumb though. okay its official im taking a nap.

strange and beautiful.

i am a fool.
who is really bad with money.
and friends.


i have reading to do for a couple of classes that i have today. i feel like im always over my head. and i am. so i listen to whiny british singers (aqualung) and eat my cereal with vanilla soy milk, drink my tea, take my vitamins, walk around in my underwear and pretend i dont have a care in the world. its not working.
sometimes i forget what my face looks like. thats pretty fucking odd. but i'll look in the mirror and get scared for the tiniest second, then i realize its just me.

okay reading time. pfft.

love burns brighter than sunshine.

i never understood before
i never knew what love was for
my heart was broke my head was sore


so im a fordham. what a feeling haha. i love my roomates. i really do love them. we're just the right kind of friends already. i love my room. and i get to share it with ms. nella so i'm a happy girl. so far i like my classes. i got some freaks for teachers which is amazing. the LOVE of my life, joachim my global governance teacher incorporates dawson's creek clips into his daily slide shows and im pretty sure i caught him humming "the final countdown" today while he set up his gadgets. yea it was love at first sight. arabic seems crazy hard. but im ready for it...i think. haha i hope. my teacher is an angel. "you must love the language or you can not be together," thats her quote of the year. i feel like its going to be a good year. new york feels like home again. im happy and broke and just a little out of place...but im pretty sure thats what life is supposed to be like. and i've already got a new favorite song thats been on repeat the past hour or so. aqualung's brighter than sunshine. its adorable and i want to dance to it at my wedding.

kate, courtney, nell, darren and i went to the park today which was fun. i read courtney her philosophy homework outloud and it was kind of gross and depressing but i like that. i love sunshine. the vitamin d really perks me up.

so this weekend i was in HOTlanta with me family. that was fun. i got to chill with my grandma and pop pop and they're always cracked out. my uncle ollie was acting nuts as usual...just being my uncle. and my poor aunt was soo happy to see us. she must be lonely being in that house all day. shes so sweet. i hope to have a marriage like theirs one day...with like 10 kids though haha. im a sicko. i just stopped writing to watch courtney do a mini broadway show in the kitchen.

okay so a while back i said something about expecting things to happen in hypothetical situations...until the hypothetical situation becomes a reality and then those things you expected dont happen. yea. well something like that happened but this time it was a good thing. mmm.

i need to shower. i just got back from the gym and i miss the nice shiny machines from home, fordham is so rank sometimes. but i guess thats what makes it home haha.


if you stalk me.
and live in mcmahon.
come visit 12F.