bright eyes.

i go back to schoool
oh so soon
i think im not ready...or something.

so i spent the day in sag harbor. i stretched out in the sun and listened to kids laughing and waves crashing..you know the typical beach stuff. then we did the bbq thing...complete with samba music and drunk adults. i do love that my childhood memories will always include samba, rum punch and lots and lots of dancing. mmm i just smelled my arm and it still smells like sand and sunblock. so yea i talked my way into driving home because both my parents were drunk...ha. over the years i've learned how to handle delicate situations without offending anyone...getting the keys from your drunk dad without making him feel like he is incapable of transporting his family sans death for example. it was a good thing i did drive though because out of nowhere this bright blue 50s cadillac spun out of control right in front of our car....it was unreal. it swerved from the far right lane, to the middle lane then into the forest in about 4 seconds. and i barely reacted. i just remember saying "its okay," "we're okay" while my family was screaming in the car. i never really react to things like that. i usually shut down, which is okay when you need to be calm but im sure its not too healthy haha. im pretty sure i didnt move a muscle the rest of the ride home. i was literally frozen.

so i havent gotten much packing done. im just not that into it haha. i have to get it all done by tomorrow though. pfft. moving is dumb. school should come to me right? change is good. different is okay...i guess. im pretty open minded when it comes to mostly everything...i tend to be close minded when it comes to people though, which is horrible. i have this really lame checklist in my mind that i go through every time i encounter someone. clean...check, proper english...check, funny...check, interesting...check, good taste in music...check. if more than one of those checks dont happen, they dont happen. im gona work out of that though. im gona try.

i <3 gogol

i should have written
a lot since the
last time i wrote.

i had forgotten how beautiful pow wows were, and how they made me so proud. i shoved my face with fry bread covered in honey, or sugar, or cheese and buffalo meat, or i ate it plain. i bought silver and turquoise jewelery. i closed my eyes for a split second and envisioned myself cloaked in a traditional shawl spinning through the air and pouding my moccasins into the ground. i clapped loudly when they called out the five civilized nations (seminole snake clan!!). i desperately wanted to braid my hair, throw back my shoulders, raise my chin and walk proudly with my brothers and sisters. while it made me happy and proud and empowered to see the dancers and vendors and people, it also made me so angry. i was angry at people there. i was angry at the people who danced along in their seats laughing and throwing their hands around mimicking the men's fancy dance. i was angry at the people who told their children to look at all the pretty costumes. i was angry at the people who went on the floor and danced (though they were invited) yet they could not manage to stay on beat or remotely resemble the ancient traditions they were taking part in. i was disgusted at those who couldnt manage to stand during the 40 minute grand entry as all the dancers, code talkers and families were honored. i was disgusted by the words "interesting" or "exotic" or "pretty." i just felt so patronized by the presence of them. i hated white people then. i really did. and i hated that i did, but i could not seem to help it. i was just so offended. and hurt. and repulsed. i could not suppress my feelings that they did not deserve to be there, that they did not deserve to enjoy this because they had tried so hard to destroy it. with the pride and joy i felt at seeing the dances and drumming and singing and food, i also felt such bitterness and such selfishness. and i know thats not right. i know that is not the way i should feel. but it was so primal of me and i could not control it.
we are so primal in so many ways. the problems of society stem from such simple things like greed and fear. maybe its all just greed and fear, those two things alone. but its waay too early on a saturday afternoon for me to get into all that.

so i'll watch some korean tv instead and pretend i know whats going on. somehow, that always makes me feel better. okay i just saw the creepiest thing ever. a korean man was tied to these poles on the beach and his girlfriend was walking into the ocean...obviously to kill himself and he was just screaming and crying trying to break free from the poles. maybe i WONT watch korean tv right now.

pfft.

motherfucking cardio strip tease.

for the most part.
im okay with who i am.
unless i'm reminded of who i am not.

today was decent. i went to work an hour late and fooled around on the computer. then i got a really great afternoon nap in. watched style wars with jules..again. then i went back to work and listened to juggy d alot. then i did something stupid and wound up crying in my car listening to "every rose has its thorn" or whatever the fuck that dumb song is called.

i dont respond well to pushing of any kind. well you know what i mean. i dont like to push myself and i dont like others pushing me. i dont see it as encouragement or support or fun..its just pushing and i dont like it. if i say i dont want to do something, i dont want to do it. end of story. regardless of how innocent your intentions may be or how much you think im going to like it "in the end" (mind you, the end does not exist) i dont want anyone to push me to do anything ever. comprend? as if anyone who needs to read this is going to.

fuck this im going to bed.

prince paul DJed my wedding

i didn't see MIA.
i had a great day though.
it was crazy hot.

so yesterday i went into QUEEEENS to hang out with hunt. i made best friends with her gigantic dog donovan. hes a golden retriever but...a bear. its great. her brother brendan was in a play and i went to see it. it was outside and it was taming of the shrew. i dont know why im writing in these choppy sentences. anyways, he was very very good as usual, and the play itself was funny...but i knew that from reading it in 8th grade. it was a fun time, i got to meet some of hunt's family and her grandma's boyfriend hank who is officially my hero. hes pretty deaf and he would randomly start talking really loud in the middle of the play and then hunts mom and grandma would hit him haha. and i also met her aunt who was just the sweetest lady in the world. she was so happy to be there and was so excited about brendan's acting. theres nothing better than seeing someone brimming over with love for someone.
(i just had a mini dance party to m.i.a.'s baile funk three)
so then me and hunt chilled in long island...a different experience for me haha. i liked it though, it was kind of like jersey just...not. we went back to her house and i fell asleep on her couch watching fern gully. i guess i've really had an exhausting week. but so then the next morning...after fighting time with all i had i finally got out of bed and we made breakfast and then i made my way to the good old E train. i was supposed to meet audra and kellie at 2 by 72nd to go to the concert. however we didnt get on the line until 3 ish and as a result we never got in. i did see some people i havent seen in a while...none of which i spoke to of course. i saw emily from urban and she looks completely different yet still her uber-trendy self with her uber-trendy friends and uber-trendy haircut. she cracks me up. i also saw rob from urban and i appreciated that he saw me and didnt say anything. we just weren't friends like that. and i saw STEVE haha or as hes usually remembered "that guy from the hole who bit my lip." he definitely saw me and i tried to avoid him as best i could until i found myself looking up at his face about 2 feet from my own. i pulled my famous turn and run. it was the only way to handle it. trust me.

so we wound up going to this deli place on 72nd and we were just talking and eating...well i was doing most of the talking, but what else is new. then kellie looked down and noticed that the woman sitting right outside the window we were next to was putting salt on her pizza. then she put another pack of salt on her pizza. then she came in and made someone clean all the tables...then she cleaned them again with a "shammy" she pulled out of her backpack. inside her backpack she had probably hundreds of ripped peices of newspaper crumbled up and marked up with black marker and pen. she also had a tower records bag full of brand new newspapers. she took a manilla envelope out of her backpack which contained a "friends of hillary" envelope, a cassette tape labeled "the stained glass hour" as well as a piece of paper labeled "death row" with names and numbers listed below. she began to take out and uncrumble the pieces of newspaper (and one plastic bag) scribble all over them and cross out certain words or people and on occasion whip out some scissors and cut out pictures which she would then put in her folder. the stuff she didnt want she would put under her gatorade bottle that she had next to her on the ground. she would occasionally take a sip after she had taken a sip of her chocolate milk. after she had done this for about..25 minutes, she would take all the stuff she didnt want, walk over to the garbage can at the corner and then throw them away. not before she re-read them to make sure she didnt miss anything though..obviously. so yea, we watched her for about an hour. it was amazing. it was also pretty amazing when a crazy skinny man literally sat down next to audra and proceeded to involve himself in our conversation and listen to every word we said and even stand up to make sure she had a good view of the woman we were observing. he was having a beer.

my day was crrazy. it was fun though. i really love kellie. shes one of those people that are just always going to be cool to me.

so im supposed to go to pilates tomorrow. i dont know what to do about that. i have to get some big questions answered first. i cant sign my life away for 5 years. its just not something im willing to do. yea having a job would be great, but i have no plans to stay in this country for more than a year after i graduate. my ipod has been shoving damien rice down my throat for days now. who is that woman that always sings with him?

i need to write some things down. read a little more neruda, and then go to bed.


to remove
the stain of my love
and paper mache
come all you reborn
blow off my horn
im driving really hard
this is love this is porn
well god will forgive me
but i whip myself scorn

i salt and pepper my mango.

everyday
i am in
the worst mood ever.


for whatever reason, this past week has been really frustrating and annoying. everyday i go into these bitchy spells where im moody and mean and pissed off at everything and everybody. i think its my job. dear god i cant talk about my job. the only good parts of today were when i called carly at dr. petes office and i got to hear her "receptionist" voice. that was cute.

tomorrow i have to go see about getting sponsored. im supposed to "show them what i know" i also have to go to work at 8 in the morning. and then i have to get red bean cakes at mitsuwa and have an awkward conversation with the woman that makes them.


i need to sleep for real.