psychobabble

i am so completely fucking done with my freshman year of college.
and no one can take that away from me.
i also go my first A.
suck it fordham.
suck it.

okay so i'm on a couple new kicks. i'm on a i love myself kick. i did something crazy drastic. i dont know why i did it, but i do know that i dont regret it at all. something just came over me and i decided that i'm not going to let anyone tell me what is okay for me to do and what isn't. i love myself, and i think im beautiful. there are no standards that dictate my actions. im going to do what i want to do when i want to and thats all there is to it. ha. god i love me right now.

im also on a wandering kick. i wander the streets of this beautiful city for hours upon end. usually its because i'm searching for my next cupcake fix, but it has lead me to some beautiful places. amy and i found vonsegoort. a magical land somewhere in the west village. a land of cobblestone and vine covered buildings and purple hotels. absolutely amazing. nell and i found italy in the west village as well. and guess who else found it...pete! from pete and pete, you know the sensational nickelodeon show. he was there with his girlfriend. hes currently a bike messenger (chain belt, fingerless gloves, head scarf and all). that was a fantastic surprise. he looks just the same which is something beyond comforting.

i'm on a favorite restaurant kick as well. i dragged both diana and amy to cafeteria within the last week. then ken and i went to el azteca today even though uncle mark and i went there on monday. i guess i should branch out but theres something nice about normalcy. i remember the first time i went to cafeteria, it was with jeannine and i fell in love. we were sitting next to this older woman and a crazy looking man who ordered just about everything on the menu...wait no thats not right, i just combined two visits. this man was very clean looking and thin. he was telling this woman an horrible story about an abusive boyfriend he had. his boyfriend would take advantage of him and blackmail him into doing anything he wanted by threatening to tell his family that he had aids...which he did. he said he was used to being abused because his father used to hit him a lot. he said this with such indifference...or maybe it was defeat, i can't quite remember. i remember wanting to hug him, and not being able to stop myself from listening. its strange that hes my first memory of a place i love so much. hmm...

so today i made a complete ass out of myself. that was fun as usual. i just wish that i could alwasy say the right thing, and look the right way. i wish i wasn't such a dork and i didnt forget to hide my excitement over things that shouldnt count. i also wish that all of that shit came naturally. i wish that i didnt have to remind myself to act a certain way and that everything i did was naturally sexy and intriguing and everything i said was completely intelligent and witty. wouldnt that be nice. i wonder if that woman exists anywhere outside of black and white movies. i hope for my sake that she does...so i can follow her around haha.

i've written too much. i think im going to go on craigs list and laugh at/consider responding to the crazy ass personal ads. thats always dangerous at this time of night.



but what you done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it wont be long before
youre pulling yourself away.

good god.

when i look at that man right there
i wanna go home
put on an apron
and fry up some eggs.

thats the quote of the year.

okay so i have two finals tomorrow, two big ones. have i even begun to study for either? absolutely not. whats worse is that i told one of my friends that we would go over our notes together and i was supposed to read half of the readings. have i? absolutely not. also, uncle mark just called me and he wants to go to dinner later. and its not like i could say no. and its not like i wanted to say yes..or no. i'm listening to a cd that reminds me of here last year. sondre lerche/radiohead. bianca and i are driving home after an amazing show at irving plaza and its pouring rain. she turns to me and goes wow isn't it funny how this is perfect night music. it is. this summer is going to be intense soul searching. i mean INTENSE. im going to watch the sun rise every morning, just in case that means something. i plan on taking long reflective walks. i'm going to get back into my meditation cycle. and i think i'm going to stay clean. no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking drinking popping anything. my brain deserves a fair chance at redemption.



and the first one now
will later be last
for the times they are a-changin'

i fucked up. great.

okay so apparently, no matter where i try to run from my roomates in this apartment they follow me. i go to my room, they come to my room. i go to the common room and put on my headphonse, they come to the common room and speak just loud enough so i can hear them over my already blasting music. i know they don't mean it, and i'm not mad...i just can't wait to be home where no one can follow me into my locked room.
so i kind of fucked up in english. i think i'll still get a good grade, but i let cecilia down. i hate it when people judge me by my potential. thats so dumb of them to do. dont judge me by what i could be, judge me by who i am. im intentionally a fuck up. im pretty sure people should have caught on to that by now. i mean i know i could be smart and do good in school with i wanted to, ive only been told that my ENTIRE life. but im just as smart as i want to be. and i hate feeling like im letting everyone down by setting my standards only a few feet above my head. last time i checked i don't owe anyone anything. but i feel like i do and that makes me sad. ahh i hate bad moods.
so im supposed to go out to dinner with ken tonight. and im making kate come with me because i love her. japanese food will be a nice change. i dont think i can eat anymore omlettes or spaghetti, but i will, because thats what i have.
okay i can't write because im in a bad mood from cecilia's cold shoulder. i think a nice long walk in the sunshine just might fix that. let us hope.

lazy days. i'm a big fat liar.

and everything i touch, turns to stone.
okay i've done half of my take home final. which is okay conisdering i still have two hours before i have to hand it in. and then i'll have another two and a half hours before i have to hand in my anthropology final draft. and then im going to fall flat on my face and cry itno the cracks of the sidewalk shamelessly because this past day as in the 24 hours previous to right this second have been awful.
there was an extrememly random concert this morning at about eight o'clock which is exactly when i wanted to be undisturbed and listening to whatever foreign music i could find on my computer. okay who am i fooling, i wanted to rock out to juggy d because i roll with the 2 point 9 crew (in my dreams).
so i can't be a total waste of life right? i laugh sometimes. and i run if necessary. i dont think anyone can be a complete waste if they can run or laugh at any given moment. im pretty sure that counts for something. it just doesnt feel like it.
i should probably stop eating bacon and cheese sandwiches for breakfast. im gonna get real fat soon. and i dont feel like that would be a hot look for me, just a hunch.
i feel really gross right now. i would take a quick nap and then finish my work but that didnt work out very well last time, not like it ever does, yet i still do it. story of my fucking life.
you know what i love. i love the first 10 seconds of paranoid android. actually i love the first 10 seconds of most of radiohead's songs. as a girl who lives for first impressions i must say that radiohead sure knows how to start a song. god i trust that band so much. no matter what mood i am in, theres a radiohead song that can chop up my feelings into notes and chords better than any words or tears or screams or laughs i could produce ever would. it helps.


for a minute there. i lost myself.

today i had my french final which was a disaster of sorts. not that i ACTUALLY care, but its just something that deserves to be noted.
hunt and i went to the swings again and we started off talking about the cafeteria being closed and the potent stench of weed in the surrounding air, and somehow we wound up immobile, feet firmly planted on the ground discussing life goals or lack thereof. while we were on the ground, i got to watch an old man enjoy himself while going down the slide and he reminded me of abuelo. i remember being by mayfield street in the cold with my grandfather thinking that swings and slides and bars were the greatest things that life had to offer me. maybe i was right. maybe that truth still stands. maybe im full of shit and really need to start working.
right.
i made some rice krispies today. i also bought some rainbow chips deluxe when all i truly wanted were chocolate oreos. i think they've stopped making those which would be a horrible crime against humanity. my walls are so bare now. i dont know what possessed me to rip down all of my pictures...the white is depressing and cold. i kept the pictures of my family up though as helpful reminders that im not the only one in danger should i chose to become a horrible failure in life. not like thats scary or anything. perhaps i'll look through my french magazine before i start to work. i love hearing myself speak french. even when i don't know what im saying...which is usually always, i love to hear the sounds coming out of my mouth. its terribly dramatic and sophisticated and sexy of me to speak in french for no reason at all.

ken and i are going out to eat soon. fantastic. what more could i want than a skinny japanese boy to take me out and let me laugh at his grammatical errors without being offended...seriously. days like this are magic in a way. i think i saw at least 7 fully programmed fully grown human beings eating ice cream for no reason other than the heat. it was ridiculously cute to see grown men with tiny ice cream cones and rainbow jimmies. im done babbling.

manchester united is in the finals. amen to that.

hi there

so i just got a blogger.
how exciting for me.
i really ought to be studying for my french final but i dont feel compelled to...much like i dont feel compelled to do anything related to school. i dont think anyone knows about this so i can actually write stuff that i want...like monkey blouse sleeves or im secretly moving to hawaii next year. haha this is fun.

la ciel dans une chambre.