ba rum pumpum pum.

it may be strange.
that hearing the arabic language.
sometimes makes me want to cry.

so..new blogger. my font is different...kinda awkward. but thats cool. im listening to these amazing cds that jill got me for christmas. okay im going to have to continue this later. i dont really like the idea of saving it as a draft and then publishing later...seems a little dishonest ha. so let me say something worthwhile before i end this brief entry.

something i realized today. i am not a stand-in. i am not a supporting actress. i am the protagonist..or the antagonist. whichever one has more lines. but only in my own life. i have no control over whether or not i am assigned a lesser role in the lives of others, even in the lives of others who dont star in their own plays. and that is just fine. ::deep breath::

this song is eating up my soul with a sliver spoon.

she's thinking he looks different today.

silver lining.
i can't fall asleep before 5 am.
while awake doing nothing.
i found sufjan.

i met a boy named paolo in a bar. i wouldnt actually call him a man, i feel that is a title to be earned instead of given by default. i dont really like calling him a boy either. i met a guy. so this guy paolo was from venice. he told me that the walls of the building smelled like water. he told me that his home was the most beautiful place he had ever seen and he craves it. i thought that was interesting. i love my home, im a jersey girl through and through...theres nothing else for me to do but love where i come from...but teaneck, new jersey is not the most beautiful place i have ever seen. i do crave it. but not in the way that i crave sevilla, or the way that i crave paris, or the way that i crave mexico...from time to time. it has to do with beauty. a desire to be surrounded by it and sewn into it. i think i would like to give that to my children.

matt picked up his cell phone and he said, "it smells like you." so i asked what him what i smelled like and he said, "cream...buttery cream." i liked the answer. mostly because it came without hesitation. and although i do not really know what buttery cream smells like, im happy he does, and im happy its me. i have a really special friendship with him. one that i hope to have for a long time. we just happened to find eachother when we needed to. well at least i really needed him. he was the only thing i really looked forward to for a while. so im grateful. and amused. and protective. but i do love him. and i hope that i will be so lucky to know him one day when he is older and wiser and taller. i almost can't wait.

i need to get my life together haha.
im a mess.
its 5 and im up writing about...essentially myself. i have dirty clothes thrown everywhere. a wicked headache. well yea, that is actually it. hmm not too bad when its down on paper. today will be laundry. laundry and christmas shopping. i have not bought any presents yet. well i bought them for my boys, but thats really it. must figure that out. i shouldve called cafe lalo and asked them to give me a couple shifts just so i could have a little extra cash. i really am good at being poor ha.

poor or not, i need a job. i need to work. i dont like doing nothing, with no responsibility. it isnt natural...for me. i will always have a need to be a part of something. whether its something big or little. something dumb or great. something legal or under the table. i dont like feeling like im not DOING anything.

by the way...grandma's boy is the funniest movie you've never seen.

so sufjan. i always knew i liked him. i really did. but i love him now. i found him last night and i dont think im letting go anytime soon. whole new appreciation for the banjo ha. he lives in kensington and i want to live in kensington. i want to walk down the street with bags of groceries. or maybe bags of books. either food or books. and i want something to happen. maybe a trip, a rip, a slip. maybe a bump, a hump haha. whatever. i want something to happen. and i want to need help and i want sufjan to give it. and i want to hear him sing to me. and i want that to be the end of it. because as we all know, my life is a gorgeous film (released by focus features bien sur) and everything in my life happens completely organically and romantically and fantastically. dont hold your breath.

i have a picture of my moma and my pop pop. and i look a lot like her in the picture. and pop pop is wearing a sweater and he looks very dignified. i think my mom is about 17 in the picture. i really do think that she is the most beautiful woman ive ever seen close up. and i like it that way. she would want me to be asleep right now. i think its time i try again. i do enjoy these late night sessions though. its better than clicking through craigslist ads or staring at my white walls. love to you all.

blow it all away.

first it was 2 am.
then it was 4 am.
im never going to sleep.
ever.


i slept this entire day away. and now i am punishing myself by staying up late only to repeat the vicious cycle. this song is throwing me off. time out. wow that was weird. for whatever reason i couldnt type well whilst listening to that song. thats not important though is it? i really want a chai from starbucks. and its only 2 blocks away but...just cant quite motivate myself to go. i think that maybe i will stay up all night, and then be ridiculously productive tomorrow. maybe go to my christmas shop and get lovely cards for everyone. study a little. cook myself a big lunch. and when 9 or 10 o'clock rolls around i'll be as good as dead. haha thats a terrible expression i just made up. but i think thats the plan. i dont really see any other way of shaking myself out of this owl lifestyle.

okay so im gonna stay up. im not really sure what that means. i should probably watch a movie. i should probably make christmas cards also. oh perfect. im going to make christmas cards. this should be interesting. i love the tradition of giving cards. such a simple thing. but so meaningful. i save almost every card i get. i think cards are the physical manifestation of little thoughts. presents seem more like obligations. not to say that obligations arent nice and shiny and very valid in their own right. but to me, cards represent the little thoughts people have about you, or the little smiles that come with thoughts of you. very cute. okay this isnt a real entry. first its way to close to my last and second its just not. here's to asian backpacks, dora the explorer, red haired countdowns and blue eyed monsters. and anyone else who reads this shit hah. love you most.

(disclaimer: im not sure how i feel about this picture...i love Djimon and i love tihs movie but i just feel that as a picture its a little too...saturated?)

its you i've waited my life to see.

people are annoying.
they always will be.
my jeff buckley dvd is not annoying.
it never will be.

is it depressing to realize that no matter what...no matter what...no matter what you can not depend on anyone but yourself? and by depend i mean really truly with your whole heart trust and accept and rely and just submit to another person with no worry, no hesitation, no subtitles. i cant tell if thats really depressing. i mean at first of course its depressing to fully understand the concept that everyone will ultimately fail you in some way. but in the same breath...its also quite refreshing. not only does that take a lot of pressure, expectation, heartbreak, frustration and wasted words/tears/time out of your life but it also helps you focus on what you can depend on. you can depend on books. you can depend on love. you can depend on morning coming after night. you can depend on journals. and above all things you can depend on music. the earth could crack in half and hearing last goodbye by jeff buckley would still make me feel just a little bit warmer and breathe just a little bit slower. just thats it. that is just it. a song is a song that will always be that song. it will always sound the same it will always be played the same it will almost never feel exactly the same it will always remember the same and that is something to depend on. is it so wrong to believe in something so beautiful...even if it allows you to distrust all else. when i hear sounds that i love that are so close to me and so much inside of me, i feel safer. safer from bullshit safer from the tough stuff safer from anything. because i will always have it. and it will always have me. people annoy me. they do. they arent perfect. and more importantly im not perfect. that never changes. actually not true. that changes. because they are perfect at times. they are perfect sometimes. and you think okay this is good. this person won't let me down in any tragic way that i'll remember for more than an hour. and right on time (not your time of course) they do. bummer. so you do what? you go to your room and put on your favorite song. or play it on your ipod. or you hum it in your head. because thats what feels right. thats what feels real. and thats what you depend on. simple and true.
i found my laugh. i lost it. it was tragic. everytime the imposter laugh would come out i would have to sprinkle a little sad into my happy...even though they taste the same ha. but for whatever reason i had adopted this new laugh that just wasnt....me. it was easy and it was nice but im glad i got my laugh back. its more of a giggle actually. i never noticed it was a giggle until other people pointed it out....but yea its a little girl giggle and its mine and i love her.
i could be writing my mad cow disease paper...but im not. i also could be writing my little brothers barbie essay...but im not. i could be studying for biology or macroeconomis. i could be doing my anthro take home final. i could be looking up the answers for my civil wars in africa test. but im not doing anything. because hes singing last goodbye. and the world stops. the world ends for him. just as he did for the world. i still maintain that he died because he was just too damn good for us. its all that makes sense and im sticking to it. and my favorite line is coming....just wait for it. AND DID YOU SAY NO THIS CANT HAPPEN TO ME. DID YOU RUSH TO THE PHONE TO CALL. IS A VOICE UNKIND. IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND. SAYING MAYBE YOU DIDNT KNOW HIM AT ALL. i always close my eyes when he sings the word maybe and take a deep breath. i just noticed that i always do that. i think it helps the pain haha. its so good that it hurts me. he is so good.
i am going to do some work. maybe. i am sick of being a filler. just to throw that in there. maybe i can only talk to people who are in similar life stages because everyone else is just using me as an excuse to take a break from who they actually are. now that was an extremely egocentric comment to make and i realize that. i almost dont believe it either...for the record. okay i am officially done writing. eh voila.