tears and tears.

what a strange day it was.
and what i really want
is the other version of this song.

so whats the deal with crying? right? its so strange. there was a specific point today where i almost started crying. actually two or three points. but at those points...i didn't have very good reason. then at a point where i had GREAT reason to cry...in fact said reason was pointed out by the very person who was inspiring it, my eyes could not have been dryer. it was so odd. i dont know. i just feel that if something as dramatic as water streaming out of your eyes is a very real and probable occurrence, it should at least be timely and appropriate. haha as if the world really gives a shit about what i feel. nice thought.

anyways i wanted to come home after work. for real home. so i took the late bus and had to walk about a mile home. a mile through my town. and as i was walking i was narrating. i could hear my voice inside my head remembering every little corner of my town. all the buildings and stores and sidewalk cracks and trees and stop lights and smells and sounds. it made me want to pull a tape recorder out of my pocket and throw down some miranda july type shit on the spot. it was really awesome. i have all these ideas. i have all these thoughts just constantly streaming. up and down, in and out, always moving. and i just dont have the capacity to give them the attention they deserve. the environment they deserve. because my mind and my body are not worthy of these ideas and thoughts. they just get lost inside somewhere between the fears and the silly distractions. and it seems like such a waste. all i could think was 'and how will i remember all this?' it seems so stupid to be really concerned about memories that have not formed yet. considering that memories are some of the most natural and organic and precious things we have to cherish. it is not up to me whether i remember things as magical or pathetic or painful. that simply isnt my choice. but i still wonder. when i come home after years, and i see that tiny restaurant behind the library that is only open 3 days a week during lunch. that restaurant that i have secretly always wanted to go to my entire life. i wonder how i will remember it. will i make fun of it? will i forget it? or will it always be a part of the mysterious corners of my childhood? does it matter? i really don't know.
its interesting that i find myself so concerned with the past. considering that i feel as though i am living more in the present that i have in quite some time. i am working almost everyday. waking up early and accomplishing tasks, as mundane as they may be. trying to really encourage new friendships and relationships and all those other kinds of ships. but i find myself regressing in other ways. i am spending most of my time with old faces. listening to old music. visiting places that i haven't seen in years and years. this does not concern me nearly as much as it interests me. maybe we exist in past, present and future always. just in different capacities. if my body is in the present and my heart in the past, and my mind in the future (focused on the past but still in the future)....then what does that even mean. where is my -ness. my lena-ness ha. organized but sometimes scattered?

im reading a wonderful book. it is called love in the time of cholera. it is by gabriel garcia marquez. i love summer reading more than anything. and i am so grateful that it loves me back. every summer i would spend everyday at the library reading as many books as i could before my vision went blurry. granted it was in the hopes that i would reach 1,000 pages and get a free pencil case but nonetheless...summer means reading. always and forever. i remember i always wanted the new books. not because i thought they were necessarily better, but because they looked cleaner ha. always a little priss i suppose. dirty books just really upset me even when i was little. i can still see the two shelved bookcase where they kept all the new arrivals. it was my first stop before the children's section. i loved my library. it was old and smelled like pencils and pine sol. good memories, iA.

in case you were wondering. i am lying in my bed singing a song in norwegian. min kvite russer. one of my favorite songs and memories. i had a mad crush on a boy. a boy from norway go figure. so i downloaded this song and spent about an hour memorizing words i would never understand. but they have meaning. so much meaning. when i sing the song i think of spring. i think of lying on the floor in my room and feeling light and romantic. i think everything is romantic actually ha. i told my aunt that i think linen pants are romantic and she laughed for a good 5 minutes. i can only imagine how strange my family thinks i am. oh well, it suits me.

i dont think i'll ever change. many have tried to change me and many have failed. there is a proverb that says train up a child in the way he should grow and he shall never depart from it. i believe that. because no matter what stupid shit i do or crazy things i say or wild performances i put on for others and even myself, im the same girl i always was. and if it ain't broke... ha. im only thinking of this because my boss today told me that im too nice. and that i need to be more gregarious. he was using the incorrect word, but he looked very pleased to be using it period so i let it go. what he meant is that i need to be more bitchy. and im just not bitchy. i am a non-confrontational people pleaser with a habit of smiling too often. sorry? not to say that im such a fantastic person. i have many many faults. i guess it is only fair to list 2 or 3. i tend to fool people into having high expectations for me knowing full well that i will eventually let them down, i am impossible to get in touch with....to the point that its pretty rude, and i hate dirty/old things (just let me have that one). oh and i say i do what i want....i rarely do what i want. ever.

unless its a dance party. i will have a dance party all over your face if thats the only space available. oh now i feel like i could write forever but i'd rather not. two days in a row is pretty damn impressive. but i would like to go to bed before 6 am....unlike yester(to)day. i might have a lunch date with girl kelly tomorrow. ever meet someone that pretty much sums up what you want to be when you grow up? thats my girl kelly. i spoke to her on the phone for an hour today. didn't even blink. i havent been on the phone for an hour since....01? haha. okay some ad for chinese weight loss tea just popped up. not into it.

bedtime.