psychobabble

i am so completely fucking done with my freshman year of college.
and no one can take that away from me.
i also go my first A.
suck it fordham.
suck it.

okay so i'm on a couple new kicks. i'm on a i love myself kick. i did something crazy drastic. i dont know why i did it, but i do know that i dont regret it at all. something just came over me and i decided that i'm not going to let anyone tell me what is okay for me to do and what isn't. i love myself, and i think im beautiful. there are no standards that dictate my actions. im going to do what i want to do when i want to and thats all there is to it. ha. god i love me right now.

im also on a wandering kick. i wander the streets of this beautiful city for hours upon end. usually its because i'm searching for my next cupcake fix, but it has lead me to some beautiful places. amy and i found vonsegoort. a magical land somewhere in the west village. a land of cobblestone and vine covered buildings and purple hotels. absolutely amazing. nell and i found italy in the west village as well. and guess who else found it...pete! from pete and pete, you know the sensational nickelodeon show. he was there with his girlfriend. hes currently a bike messenger (chain belt, fingerless gloves, head scarf and all). that was a fantastic surprise. he looks just the same which is something beyond comforting.

i'm on a favorite restaurant kick as well. i dragged both diana and amy to cafeteria within the last week. then ken and i went to el azteca today even though uncle mark and i went there on monday. i guess i should branch out but theres something nice about normalcy. i remember the first time i went to cafeteria, it was with jeannine and i fell in love. we were sitting next to this older woman and a crazy looking man who ordered just about everything on the menu...wait no thats not right, i just combined two visits. this man was very clean looking and thin. he was telling this woman an horrible story about an abusive boyfriend he had. his boyfriend would take advantage of him and blackmail him into doing anything he wanted by threatening to tell his family that he had aids...which he did. he said he was used to being abused because his father used to hit him a lot. he said this with such indifference...or maybe it was defeat, i can't quite remember. i remember wanting to hug him, and not being able to stop myself from listening. its strange that hes my first memory of a place i love so much. hmm...

so today i made a complete ass out of myself. that was fun as usual. i just wish that i could alwasy say the right thing, and look the right way. i wish i wasn't such a dork and i didnt forget to hide my excitement over things that shouldnt count. i also wish that all of that shit came naturally. i wish that i didnt have to remind myself to act a certain way and that everything i did was naturally sexy and intriguing and everything i said was completely intelligent and witty. wouldnt that be nice. i wonder if that woman exists anywhere outside of black and white movies. i hope for my sake that she does...so i can follow her around haha.

i've written too much. i think im going to go on craigs list and laugh at/consider responding to the crazy ass personal ads. thats always dangerous at this time of night.



but what you done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it wont be long before
youre pulling yourself away.