i <3 gogol

i should have written
a lot since the
last time i wrote.

i had forgotten how beautiful pow wows were, and how they made me so proud. i shoved my face with fry bread covered in honey, or sugar, or cheese and buffalo meat, or i ate it plain. i bought silver and turquoise jewelery. i closed my eyes for a split second and envisioned myself cloaked in a traditional shawl spinning through the air and pouding my moccasins into the ground. i clapped loudly when they called out the five civilized nations (seminole snake clan!!). i desperately wanted to braid my hair, throw back my shoulders, raise my chin and walk proudly with my brothers and sisters. while it made me happy and proud and empowered to see the dancers and vendors and people, it also made me so angry. i was angry at people there. i was angry at the people who danced along in their seats laughing and throwing their hands around mimicking the men's fancy dance. i was angry at the people who told their children to look at all the pretty costumes. i was angry at the people who went on the floor and danced (though they were invited) yet they could not manage to stay on beat or remotely resemble the ancient traditions they were taking part in. i was disgusted at those who couldnt manage to stand during the 40 minute grand entry as all the dancers, code talkers and families were honored. i was disgusted by the words "interesting" or "exotic" or "pretty." i just felt so patronized by the presence of them. i hated white people then. i really did. and i hated that i did, but i could not seem to help it. i was just so offended. and hurt. and repulsed. i could not suppress my feelings that they did not deserve to be there, that they did not deserve to enjoy this because they had tried so hard to destroy it. with the pride and joy i felt at seeing the dances and drumming and singing and food, i also felt such bitterness and such selfishness. and i know thats not right. i know that is not the way i should feel. but it was so primal of me and i could not control it.
we are so primal in so many ways. the problems of society stem from such simple things like greed and fear. maybe its all just greed and fear, those two things alone. but its waay too early on a saturday afternoon for me to get into all that.

so i'll watch some korean tv instead and pretend i know whats going on. somehow, that always makes me feel better. okay i just saw the creepiest thing ever. a korean man was tied to these poles on the beach and his girlfriend was walking into the ocean...obviously to kill himself and he was just screaming and crying trying to break free from the poles. maybe i WONT watch korean tv right now.

pfft.