its you i've waited my life to see.

people are annoying.
they always will be.
my jeff buckley dvd is not annoying.
it never will be.

is it depressing to realize that no matter what...no matter what...no matter what you can not depend on anyone but yourself? and by depend i mean really truly with your whole heart trust and accept and rely and just submit to another person with no worry, no hesitation, no subtitles. i cant tell if thats really depressing. i mean at first of course its depressing to fully understand the concept that everyone will ultimately fail you in some way. but in the same breath...its also quite refreshing. not only does that take a lot of pressure, expectation, heartbreak, frustration and wasted words/tears/time out of your life but it also helps you focus on what you can depend on. you can depend on books. you can depend on love. you can depend on morning coming after night. you can depend on journals. and above all things you can depend on music. the earth could crack in half and hearing last goodbye by jeff buckley would still make me feel just a little bit warmer and breathe just a little bit slower. just thats it. that is just it. a song is a song that will always be that song. it will always sound the same it will always be played the same it will almost never feel exactly the same it will always remember the same and that is something to depend on. is it so wrong to believe in something so beautiful...even if it allows you to distrust all else. when i hear sounds that i love that are so close to me and so much inside of me, i feel safer. safer from bullshit safer from the tough stuff safer from anything. because i will always have it. and it will always have me. people annoy me. they do. they arent perfect. and more importantly im not perfect. that never changes. actually not true. that changes. because they are perfect at times. they are perfect sometimes. and you think okay this is good. this person won't let me down in any tragic way that i'll remember for more than an hour. and right on time (not your time of course) they do. bummer. so you do what? you go to your room and put on your favorite song. or play it on your ipod. or you hum it in your head. because thats what feels right. thats what feels real. and thats what you depend on. simple and true.
i found my laugh. i lost it. it was tragic. everytime the imposter laugh would come out i would have to sprinkle a little sad into my happy...even though they taste the same ha. but for whatever reason i had adopted this new laugh that just wasnt....me. it was easy and it was nice but im glad i got my laugh back. its more of a giggle actually. i never noticed it was a giggle until other people pointed it out....but yea its a little girl giggle and its mine and i love her.
i could be writing my mad cow disease paper...but im not. i also could be writing my little brothers barbie essay...but im not. i could be studying for biology or macroeconomis. i could be doing my anthro take home final. i could be looking up the answers for my civil wars in africa test. but im not doing anything. because hes singing last goodbye. and the world stops. the world ends for him. just as he did for the world. i still maintain that he died because he was just too damn good for us. its all that makes sense and im sticking to it. and my favorite line is coming....just wait for it. AND DID YOU SAY NO THIS CANT HAPPEN TO ME. DID YOU RUSH TO THE PHONE TO CALL. IS A VOICE UNKIND. IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND. SAYING MAYBE YOU DIDNT KNOW HIM AT ALL. i always close my eyes when he sings the word maybe and take a deep breath. i just noticed that i always do that. i think it helps the pain haha. its so good that it hurts me. he is so good.
i am going to do some work. maybe. i am sick of being a filler. just to throw that in there. maybe i can only talk to people who are in similar life stages because everyone else is just using me as an excuse to take a break from who they actually are. now that was an extremely egocentric comment to make and i realize that. i almost dont believe it either...for the record. okay i am officially done writing. eh voila.