more dreams.

it got creepy.

i was staying in a large mansion that was owned by my childhood friend bianca's mother donna.

there were many many rooms and we spent time in all of them. there was a large tv room. the kitchen of course. the dining room where bianca's sister vanessa was slaving over christmas decorations. i know there was a lot going on in the tv room but i can't really remember.

anyways the most vivd and disturbing part of this dream took place in a bedroom.

edward was there, for once, and we were about to fall asleep in this big blue bed. earlier in the dream i had seen a small mouse that donna told me was for bianca's engineering project and not to worry.

however, we weren't lucky enough to have a small mouse grace our presence. instead, there was a small tiny gorilla with a white human-like wrinkly face in our room on the end of our bed....just dancing around and trying to party with us. i of course woke up edward freaking out and wondering what to do. the tiny gorilla seemed to understand english and responded to my fear. he tried to approach me, it seemed as though he wanted me to see that he was cool but the closer he got the more freaked out i became. i batted him with a pillow which he did not like. he leaped onto the bed even closer than before. so i really smacked him this time with the pillow and he flew across the room. then edward shut off the lights.

i felt this tiny little angry demon jumping on the end of the bed and then came the disturbing resolution to our problem. since the lights were out i could not see what was happening but i heard edward struggling and a lot of wrestling and writhing and slowed breathing and when the lights came up edward was sweating and the gorilla was gone. he had strangled the gorilla to death. did i feel remorse or guilt? no. but i knew i had to tell bianca immediately. i ran downstairs to find her. she had just come home from basketball practice. i told her that the gorilla frightened us and i kicked him across the room and somehow he was dead.

bianca didn't seem upset, slightly disappointed but understanding of our reaction.

i don't remember much after this but i'd say this dream was "really something"

so maybe this will be my dream blog.

for anyone out there in cyberspace...i remember every single dream that i have every night. now there is a small window of time for these memories but i can honestly say that at some point the next day i can vividly recall most or all of my dream from the night before.

and now i can subject a few strangers to the madness that is inside my brain.

i had a dream last night and it was insane to say the least.

some lady was giving out pills. a pill that made you relax, but it completely turned you into a tunnel-vision drone unaware of the world around you. in a slow-motion, wes anderson kind of way. the main problem was that she gave the pill to billie holiday, who then passed it along to nina simone, cicely tyson and some other amazingly prolific artist who i can not seem to remember.

wow. where are my thoughts?

i most vividly remember screaming "NOT NINAAA"

somewhere in this dream i also took a family vacation to miami.

i spent a lot of time checking my cell phone for text messages and walking alone on a white beach. this is the same beach/resort thing that is in all of my dreams where i'm on vacation.

oh what a dream.

and there was much much more i just don't remember it all.

i think i'll start writing here more.

its been a while.

it has been a long long time.

but i can't sleep.

the feeling is the same. 

i had to get a google account just to write this down...and naturally it feels a little stupid at this point. we have all known the long loneliness...

this is what i feel now. the long loneliness. now im not so sure what that means for me. i am pretty sure that it does not mean i should dedicate my life to the catholic church like dorothy day, but it worked for her so i can't really knock it. i just feel so sad. i am sick and i am sad. i have everything that i had hoped i would at this point in my life plus a few extras. i have a beautiful apartment in brooklyn...the stuff dreams are made of.  i have a beautiful boyfriend that loves me very very much....the stuff dreams dream they were made of. and im miserable. i cant sleep im so sad. im sick now which doesnt help. but its not just the sick, its whats inside. i have nothing to give. i dont care. i am doing and feeling crazy things, horrible mixed up nasty things that i never should do but i cant stop myself. i have such a big void that i'll do anything to fill it. if i dont leave my "job" soon i will get myself fired. and i have NEVER been fired from a job before, or even come close to it, but i have such disdain and on a good day apathy for that place that i can't imagine this going on much longer. i couldn't care less. you know whats funny, i always say 'i could care less'  which im sure is telling the truth. of course i could care less than i care but i can't imagine that now. i applied for a job tonight at a hotel. i could care less. i just need to get out of that damn restaurant because it is making me sick. and my puppies. if someone asked to buy those damn puppies today i would've sold them. and what kind of person can honestly say them. i never wanted dogs that was his idea. and i couldnt say no. they are cute and kind. but they piss and shit all over my already pissy shitty life. they dont shut up. they jump and bite and bark and pull. and all i want to do is run away. and i cant. because they are there. i was accused of making him feel trapped or under pressure this weekend. i am the one that is trapped. i cant do nothing. i cant do nothing right. i am so fucking sad. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. and now i got the idea in my head to write a book. i cant write a book i cant even do my laundry without getting too depressed to move. i cant even sleep in my big expensive bed with my lovely boyfriend without getting too depressed to move. i cant afford therapy. i cant even afford a drinking problem. and all the while i feel so suffocated and congested. literally and figuratively. i blame myself which im sure doesnt help. i have boxed myself into this corner of hell. and whats even better is that i dont think anyone really knows. im so good at looking happy and making jokes and being silly and helping everyone else feel better, except him i'm terrible at helping him, that i forgot that maybe i should be trying to get some help. even now, i want to just wake him up and tell him how i feel but why! so i can selfishly interrupt his peaceful sleep to whine about pathetic bourgeois woes that he can do nothing to help. what a nightmare. i dont know what im here for. i feel like all i do is exhaust others and myself. i want to run away. i want to move to mexico. i am so sick of being myself. i wear the same clothes and i make the same empty promises. im going to go on a diet and lose weight. im really going to find a new job. im going to pay all my debt. im going to clean up more. im going to stop complaining. i dont do shit. i really dont. this world...... i can't even incorporate my little self into a sentence beginning with 'this world' that is how fucking insignificant i am. no one cares. even the empty warmth i chase rejects me. the stupid vapid empty artificial void filler is too busy for me.  even i reject myself as i type these words. but i knew i had to get it out. and i had no where else to go. my solution to this crisis is an old blog i forgot the password to. fuck. 

i think i need to go to church. i need to just pray in the back of a church and cry and sniffle and cry and pray and let the glass and the wood and the water and the music just flood over me the way only church can. 'you take away the sins of the world have mercy on us' that is my favorite part. always makes me shed a tear. maybe i'll try a new church in my neighborhood. 

oh and my grandmother is in the hospital. maybe that isn't helping all this. shes fine so they say, and she looks fine, i know shes fine. but when youre 90 you are never fine. when you are 90 people dont expect you to wake up and its considered fine. so yea im not ready to even think about that AT ALL EVER STOP THINKING NOW UGH. 

okay so i'll go to church tomorrow maybe. i hate it when he leaves. even though it scares me that i dont think he can help...deep down i really dont. i still hate it when hes not here. i hate to be alone. and i am always always alone. i guess thats how the long loneliness works. no matter where you are or what youre doing you are alone. and im so tired of fighting this by myself. i never thought i was really that strong. and i dont think anyone else did. 

i cant do this anymore. 

theres nothing wrong with me.

a hopeless year.
a year with nothing gained
and much pride lost.


i want to kill him. and then punch myself in the face. i think. haha those should have been my opening lines. i don't know what is wrong with me. i don't know why i wasted so much time trying to make something so inherently broken work the way i thought it should. where do i find these assholes? there is nothing wrong with me! i am chasing after these fools, completely throwing aside any semblance of an ego in an attempt to find something genuine and beautiful and i get rejected every time. i can't even get a courtesy call. literally.

i know what i want and i need to look elsewhere. i need to cut out the negativity. and i need to listen to more thalma de freitas. because life is too short. i will find the right one. i will find the right one. and then i can be just as wonderful to him as i know i can be. i should have gone to sleep long ago. i want to push out some tears first though. sleep before a long day. it should be easier than this. i can't even organize my thoughts right now. i need something thats right because all of this wrong-ness is really skewing my expectations. i know deep down that i deserve better but i'm just accepting what i am getting for no good reason. i am not taking any more shit. how about that? no more shit.

but all you got was me
and thats all that i can be
i'm sorry if i let you down

i'm not gonna sit around and waste my precious energy
trying to explain
and being ashamed
of what you think is wrong with me
theres nothing wrong with me

Punch or Scratch

written by lena randolph

the battle of old vs new is an ageless struggle between invention and improvement. we live in an age where nothing is above remastering. got a wrinkle? shoot it with some hormones. don't like your eye color? pop in some contacts! cell phone too big? get a chip sewn into your ear. technology can perfect all of life's inconveniences. but has man's desire to improve begun to overshadow the beauty of his initial creation?
perhaps there are those things that need no improvement, some things that are much better off left alone. "cds are clear, clean air. vinyl is music," stan the music man told me this as i purchased an original astrud gilberto record from his music store. stan represents old class and energy. he has managed to keep his record store thriving on the sales of vinyl records and 45s alone. i asked him if he was opposed to the digitally remastered cds that allow a listener to fully distinguish instruments and isolate sounds. stan said, "sure thats great, but its not real. nothings that perfect. maybe its supposed to be fuzy. life isn't all that clear anyways." wise words stan, wise. he does provide an interesting point, does he not?


i found this paper that i wrote my senior year of high school. i was a funny kid.

200 Orchard Street

today was "hell day."
think...sweaty bus rides and heavy packages.
but it ended quite appropriately.

today i was manhattan's bitch. i was running around selling tickets, merching venues, carrying tee shirts, picking up wallets, setting up after parties....blah blah blah.
and it ended at 200 Orchard Street. the very place that i have both avoided going and been desperate to see for quite some time.

just decided i can't write about it.
okay im fine i can write about it.

so 200 Orchard Street is Denver's bar. the last time i saw Denver he gave me a piece of paper with the address 200 Orchard Street and made me promise that I would go there. and tonight was the first time i went. the place was beautiful. it had this really great bar up front with a few comfy looking booths and then the back had a few tables and a dance floor. really a cool place. and right above the bar was a black and white picture of Denver with his headphones on. The bar tender was a familiar face. I told him that I was sorry I had never come before and he told me it was okay and I believed him. He kissed my hand and told me to visit. He treated me just the way Denver did which I'm sure is exactly what he wanted to do. It made me sad that i was so eager to get out of there. Considering that this address has been following me around for months and months....not sure where that thought was leading. maybe just overall consideration. i dont know it was a weird feeling and i wanted to write about it. no description is possible but just recording. i was there. he was there. and i cried a little when i left.

i am nervous to start this new year. and excited. mostly nervous. but i want to share all of those little butterflies for next entry. right now i am not in the mood for writing.

bye bye.

banana nana fo fena.

you brought me love
yea you were sweet and you were sound
you saved me.

you're the warmth in my summer's breeze
you're the ivory to my ebony key
you would share your last jelly bean
and you would somersault in sand with me.

you put my feet back on the ground
oh did you know you brought me love
yea you were sweet and you were sound
you saved me.


i dont think that i will ever ever ever get tired of that song. i dont think that i will ever ever ever forget the words. and i dont think that i will ever ever ever sing it with my eyes all the way open. no sir. it is just too damn good. and whenever it shows up is exactly when i need it.

strange week i believe. i did some things that i dont normally do. lost a friend to this crazy journey we call life (much less painful than losing a friend to this mysterious journey we call death, but nonetheless a bit sad). and i watched an obscene amount of television. well not television...dvds. dvds of television so i guess by default...television. doesnt matter. i stared at a box for hours upon end, and thats what matters. no regrets though. sometimes a whole lot of nothing can mean a whole lot of something. today a friend asked me, "when did you get to be so damn cool?"and i have no idea. i think it might have been this week haha. it was a wildly appropriate question considering that there were certain (2 specific) events in my life that took place this week that inspired me to be calm, flexible and even indifferent. now under normal "cool levels" these situations could have easily inspired me to be upset, obsessive and even irrational. however, i was (cool as) a cucumber. hmm. what to think. well since i'm the only person in the whole wide world who actually reads this blog i will just spill my little guts out so i can actually analyze these thoughts.

situation number one.
met a boy and went home with him. now i assure you that i was as angelic as can be and my actions were completely honorable with the (less than) dirtiest of intentions. kissing and sleeping and that is all. however. however. is this what i do now? is that whats going to happen now? i mean i would have never in a million years imagined that i would just so readily and happily gone to the apartment of a complete stranger WHILST intoxicated and emotionally distraught (it was a very very long night). it didnt occur to me at any point that i may not be exactly safe. it didnt occur to me at any point that my mother might completely lose her mind (and faith in me) had she known. i just thought, this is what i want to do and this is what im doing now. and i was fine. it was fine. it was really nice actually. so that in itself is a situation but to go further... i have not heard from this gentleman in 2 days. would it be nice to hear from him? probably. i'm sure. but am i upset? not at all. curious? barely. speculating? obviously, i mean my life isnt terribly exciting so what else do i have to do but run through millions of possible scenarios that would warrant the result (or lack thereof) at hand. but i don't actually care. i see the thought process but theres no genuine emotion behind it. maybe a few flashbacks every now and then of that terribly romantic and wild night (i remember the snuggles best) but what will be will be. i don't know "what i do now" or "who i am now." all i know is that i have nothing else to say about that.

situation number two.
my friend moved across the country and didn't say goodbye (even though i very specifically asked him to do so for completely selfish reasons). stupidity tries. i suppose that i have felt the distance long before the move. for a few months now (i would love to be more specific but on the off chance that someone i know does read this crap i wouldnt want to blow any spots if you catch my drift) i have noticed a shift in our friendship. more a drop than a shift. not to say that we were exactly attached at the hip before. in fact our friendship had little or nothing to do with social, physical or verbal interaction. it existed almost solely through words. written conversations. stories. secrets. you know, little things like that. regardless this is someone that i cared very much about. someone that i believe in with all my heart and soul and felt that they could accomplish anything and succeed at everything (notice the sloppy jumps from past to present tense). and then i just kind of faded. i wasn't cut but my spotlight grew dimmer and dimmer until t(he)y just unplugged the damn thing. i soon learned of this person through the mouths of others....in the dark. and then finally they left me behind in every sense of the expression. and its a dull sadness i suppose. more of a shadow of a real sadness. i wish it was different and i feel that things panned out unfortunately but i am fine. no tears. no cringes. just a few pangs of regret. c'est la vie.

can't think of a good picture for this post. thats odd i usually know just what to select. okay got one. i think that this may be one of those nights that i stay awake for hours and hours for absolutely no reason. i hope its not. i have laundry to do tomorrow. and theres nothing worse than waking up late to do your laundry. i can't wait to move into my new room. i've been there for quite some time now. getting comfy and such. it doesnt have my things yet. thats all it needs. theres nothing better than lying in your bed and looking around the room to see all the lovely and silly things that you have collected over the years. the things that mean so much and the things that you cant remember to save your life. tacky gifts and precious trinkets (for your pockets).

i had to change the song. it was becoming very difficult for me to listen to someone absolutely sing their heart out. i am now listening to radiohead's "a reminder." a great song that i dont think enough people (even) know about. it makes me feel very small. which i need every now and then. and right now i need chet baker to fly me to sleep. sounds good.