someday i might know my heart.

"and the words that i could never say are gonna come out anyway."
love that.

how long its been. right now im in my room. surrounded by all the little familiar things that mean nothing and everything all at once. i wonder what someone would make of me after seeing my room. all the empty glass bottles and old photographs. my vintage bob dylan cardboard poster, my copper jewelery stand. piles and piles of books and stacks of vogue magazines. dried flowers and pictures of spain. i'm not even sure what i can make of myself after taking a long hard look at the material things that surround me daily. i know that i feel good when im in my room, that i feel right. but maybe that has nothing to do with the "things" that are in it. maybe its the memories that live here. memories that i only assume are conjured up when i look over the remnants of my life. who knows? who cares? haha. it really doesnt matter. it matters that i have a teeny tiny corner of the earth that is like me in many ways.

so i was on the bus today and my mind started dancing around some of the shelved issues that live in the basement of my brain. i was thinking about war and love and blood. and i thought of something a friend said to me. i can't remember it word for word, but i was talking about having a close friend with very opposite views to mine in regards to a war or conflict or however you would like to label it. and he said 'but im sure that no matter who you support you both want peace.' and i nodded and said 'of course' and thought of it as a nice thing to say. but i lost track of that. i lost track of peace somehow. which seems so ridiculous. i got so stuck up on who is wrong and who is right and who has been hurt more and who has been given more that i forgot the only thing that matters. and i think that is peace. i think that i gravitate towards emotions and pain and inevitably that pain turns to bitterness and stubbornness and blindness. and that is so backwards. i could never blame someone who actually lives in a place of war and devastation for becoming bitter. i dont think it is the answer but i have no right to say how someone should feel in a situation i couldn't possibly relate to. but as for me, an outsider...i have no right. i have the gift of safety and peace and that gift allows for rationality where others may not have that as an option. i can see my thoughts weaving in and out of each other now and i think i should stop. at least until i can really figure out how i feel.

but its nice to be thinking about these things again. ive been lazy lately. mentally lazy. i think about good food, beautiful places, new friends, romantic movies. and all of those things are wonderful and should be thought about daily. but i've been ignoring many of the things that are important to me. things that i have an obligation to think about. injustice, hate, discrimination, poverty. all the things that are soo easy to forget about. a simple change of the station, turn of the head and its out of sight out of mind. how incredibly lucky i am. and what matters most is that it is only luck that has saved me. not good deeds or prayers or anything like that. just luck, and a twist of fate here and there. and luck is paper thin. so theres not much that keeps me from the rest of the world. at least thats how i like to think of it.

i'd like to start writing once a week. just to document where my head is at. i feel some interesting things coming along and im very excited. until then i'll just lay back and listen to chet baker. and everything just got a little bit classier.