it just so happens that i am tired of being a man.

cheers darling
i got a beauty queen
to sit not very far from me

so now im listening to blue eyes. and it reminds me of crying in my bed because my beloved monster zachary had left me for the summer. haha how adorable and sad that moment was. i was just fine. no big goodbyes or tears. and then i get back to my room alone and the goddamn carey brothers decide to do everything in their power to break me...and they do. damn them ha. whatever now its his, which is nice.

so im up late as usual. im thinking of investing in a little bit of lunesta.
i just had a nice conversation with an old friend who should always be an old friend and nothing more. no matter how many times i tell myself, i seem to forget that i need to stop. i need to stop dreaming dreams that dont belong to only me. i need to stop expecting things of people that should not be expected. i need to stop pretending it isnt all in my head when it is. and when i stop, is when it all makes sense. when i stop i can look around and say you know what, this is pretty nice just the way it is. no bullshit, no drama, no fantasy, just the way it is. and im proud that i did that today. just now. it made me feel really proud of myself.

baby steps.

so tomorrow i have to babysit some kids. two kids. two babies. im a little nervous. im really quite good with kids because i love them and they know that. but i just hope theyre good. because if theyre not, i'll cry. and i dont want to cry in some stranger's apartment with some stranger's babies. it would be a 'rock bottom' of sorts. but yes hopefully they'll be good and we'll read stories or watch a movie and they'll pass out and i'll carry them into their little beds and i'll shut the doors. and then i can run around cleaning up the apartment so when their parents return they'll be completely impressed with my super nanny skills and actually invite me back ha. a girl can dream cant she?

well ive got health issues. go figure. now its me stomache. it doesnt really like it when i eat or when i move or when i breathe. very tempermental that one. causing me a great deal of pain these days. so i just take a deep breath and move on. because i know its angry with me. i try to treat my body well. i eat decently, i dont binge drink...often. i rarely smoke..cigarettes. i exercise. i just dont know why its eternally angry with me. i suppose i'll never know. i'll always be striving for its approval..my body is the father who traded in my childhood for frequent flyer miles. so heavy.

did i mention that jeff buckley makes me want to be a better woman? cause yea.

he really does.

i am incredibly behind with everything. at this point in the summer i should be 5 pounds lighter, about 150 more hours into my pilates certification, 3 more boxes unpacked, at least one more book read and definitely not 6.93 in debt to the bank of america. i am really in rough shape these days. but i need to end this day now. and i need to start tomorrow as soon as i possibly can. i can make do with 6 hours sleep. and i will. so there.