wishing on a green star

its been quite some time
which is okay with me
usually ha

its very very late.
so late that its very very early. and i should be curled up fast asleep. or slow asleep. any type would do. but instead im lying in my bed listening to all those songs that take me to the corners of my mind, writing to you. i actually have a very important writing...job...to do soon. self assigned bien sur. it is about the topic of all topics, the core of all cores, the beast of all beasts...and her name is amor. she is oh so terrifying and oh so sweet. i want her badly. so i will beckon her here. i will do so by awakening a power greater than me, an old old power that requires work and respect and faith....which i like. but before i ask this old old power to call amor to me, i must know what i need from her. exactly what i need from her and exactly what i want from her. and this is my greatest feat. i want all that is good and right. and none of what is pain and fear. but i know better. i know that without pain and fear and cold nothing is real. and i want real, above all things i want real. so i must think and think. then write and write. i want her to change me, i want her to grow inside me day after day after day until she is soo big that she crawls out from under my skin. i want her to protect me from her enemies of jealousy and insecurity. i want her to surround me always, covering me and smothering me and crushing me with her weight. i want her to need me, i want her to crave me i want her to know that without me...she is not all she could be. i want her to laugh at me, and enjoy all my fumbles and misunderstandings. she will know me once and always. all i need is her. all you need is love. so those are my vows to amor. my letter to amor. come to me and never leave. oh please.

i am trying in vain to sing myself to sleep.
what a sad attempt this is. not nearly as romantic as it seems. there are things that i miss at times like this. times like this being 4:50. ha.
i miss the sound of the sprinklers going off next door at 3 am. i miss the shadows of black trees outside my window. i miss cat steven lullabys. and night braids. i miss rainy drives. i dont know what i miss. i dont even know of what i speak haha. im too busy singing john legend (i sound great by the way). i do miss piano lessons...or i miss hating piano lessons. one of the two. i miss the first time i saw caetano veloso in 'talk to her' i miss that moment for sure. i miss kissing.
i miss hugging more i think. maybe. i miss short hair. i miss three sisters stew and hot apple cider.

so this song reminds me of a wonderful moment. good story. maybe just for me but nonetheless. i was driving with my mother and my grandparents to bring them home (MA) from jersey. and i had made a brazil mix for the kids. with cucurrucucu paloma on it. and i knew that neither my grandfather or my mother had heard the song before. and the first time that caetano sang cucurrucucu, both my mother and my grandfather proceeded to imitate the noise he made together. in simultaneous approval and curiosity. and it was just a manifestation of all that we take from our parents and grandparents and what makes us them and them us. and it made me happy. mostly because i was expecting it and i knew it. thats the end of the story.

i need some sleep.