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its nearly four am.
im in the seventeenth floor study lounge.
listening to punjabi mc.
im going to fail out of school.

and all i really want to do is get a loft in brooklyn. with open rooms. and 16 foot ceilings. and decorate it with cheap and artsy looking things so that whoever comes upon it will assume i'm terribly tortured or talented or both.

im supposed to be writing this paper on education and morals but guess what. i havent done it. the only thing i have written down is the webster definition of education and the sentence 'education is everything.' im not even sure if i believe that anymore. i mean i know i believe it, but i dont know if its true. im terribly tired and my body is falling into pieces. i need a haircut and a new outfit. i havent felt pretty in weeks. im getting fat. i eat cheesecake and potatoes and waffles all day. its disgusting.

today abbe and i had a picnic outside. it was a nighttime dinner picnic. the most romantic kind bien sur. we chatted and fell in love all over again, as per usual. i do love that girl. we plan on going downtown this friday. i hope to be ridiculously drunk on friday night. i havent had a true drunk night in a long long time and i am ready to feel the intoxication only alcohol can bring. i could use an escape. ever since ive started working ive been a little bit too deep into reality. and i feel like everyone around me has just been getting these slap in the face reality checks. not the cool ones where afterwards you're grateful and feel enlightened. but the gross scary kind that make you fear and question. my god i cant even inhale anymore without coughing. i'll never be well again. maybe i was just destined to be this weak. always behind. that what i am. whether its in school work, real work, health, social bullshit, emotional bullshit, or i dont know what i feel like im always catching up and thats the way its gonna be forever. like im just running and running and running and someone just keeps kicking the finish line a foot back everytime i get close. what is the motherfucking point. you know what. i dont even know if thats how i really feel. thats how dumb i am right now. what the fuck ever.

im sorry but i really enjoy using the word fuck.
actually fuck that i'm not sorry.

im in the mood for a song. and the only song that is a mood maker needs to be on right now. and if you know me, you know what this song is. so lets leave it at that.

they changed the paint in the study lounge. it really did make it much more serious and absolutely more condusive to studying. despite the lack of studying that i have done since i've been here. no motivation. ive just got no fucking motivation. i should be devestated right now. i have decided not to do the paper that is a large percentage of my grade for a class that i have actively neglected. but instead im typing in my motherfucking blog listening to radiohead. and completely okay with myself. im more annoyed at the fact that im supposed to be annoyed than anything else. and its not a fucking fact its an assumption which is the most annoying thing of all.

oh my god im ranting and raving about how oppressive college is but im here by choice. and bullshit im not because everything in life is a choice. i choose to believe that if i dont go to college my life will be difficult and i choose to believe that it is important to make my familiy proud by pursuing my education and i choose to go to class (on occasion) and do my work and make some pathetic effort to do well.

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here


i suppose i should just go to bed now. theres no point in me being awake. im going to get up tomorrow, do my philosophy homework, go to the language lab and do my arabic homework, go to my classes, then smoke as much weed as i can stand, go to the park and soak in something, then go on a date with zachary and worry about tomorrow as it comes. i wish i was better. i wish i was better. i wish i was better.