head phones don't work

it is exactly 10 o'clock
in the morning
im in the goddamn language lab.


so i got up nice and early to read some freud and write an essay on marie de france.
i'll repeat that. i got up nice and early to read some FREUD and write an essay on MARIE DE FRANCE. geez i dont even know who i am. i couldnt manage to do any type of work last night for whatever reason. i was just so elated once i got out of classes that i couldnt bear the thought of doing anything remotely related to education. im sure ive stated that exactly before.

so i muffed up my laptop. i believe the term was 'accidental exposure to a liquid.' jesus they just turned on the lights in here and i might throw up. anyways, my laptop is almost completely useless. i can turn it on for a few minutes here and there but for the most part my computer usage is limited to the language lab, library or zachs laptop. i should be writing that essay right about now...

so im considering slowing down...my life. in general. i think it would be terribly funny of me to go straight edge for a bit. no smoking or drinking. just all me all day everyday. actually that sounds really good. carly once said to me that sometimes when she thinks about what amazing machines our bodies are she doesnt want to pollute hers with anything...almost. but yea i think another detox is in order. thats not gonna sit well with the kids but we'll see.

im going home on sunday which should be nice. i missed my family a lot yesterday for whatever reason. haha as if there should be a reason to miss the people you love the most. how foolish of me. i think i need to get sent to boot camp or something terrifying like that. i need to be scared straight. im so goddamn lazy its disgusting. im tempted to skip 2:30 classes. i mean who seriously does that with their life? all i want to do is sleep and watch movies all day. and eat. and listen to music. and go for walks. i mean yea it could be a lot worse i could just want to sleep and freebase all day but still its not exactly a life to be admired. im just so unmotivated and its been like this since...maybe junior year of high school. probably earlier. i just dont feel the need to push myself ever. i think i can almost remember the exact moment when i realized that not pushing myself was an option. it was an older man, maybe a teacher or tutor or someones dad, but i just remember him saying along the lines of "some people never want to leave their comfort zone and thats okay too." fuck that guy he really messed me up. im pretty sure that it never previously occured to me that settling was an option. coming from a family of over-acheivers, it was always assumed that i was going to bust my ass in everything i did and be disgustingly successful because...thats just what you do right? dead fucking wrong. apparently. so maybe its a little weak to blame some random man (that i very possibly could've imagined) on my lack of enthusiasm for life in general, but thats my argument and im sticking with it.

okay i seriously have to write this essay for my teacher, my love, mon coeur. selah.