somedays aren't yours at all

smiles
smiles
and more smiles.



i just smile until my cheeks hurt. smile and look up. im not sure what im really looking at or looking to or looking for. but whatever it is, its up, and its higher and its better and its brighter. and then i smile some more. it might be a happy smile. it might be a sad smile. it might be a comfort smile. whatever it is, its there. and it is pulled out of me over and over and over. day after day...night after night. with each word. with each joke. with each emotion i cant help but smile. because i know what i feel is real and i know what i feel is good. no matter what. we are worthy of a smile at the very least. maybe two.

this year is as good as done. i dont remember what i wanted last year. i'll have to read my journal to find out. i can guess though. i probably wanted a boyfriend, i probably wanted to be about 30 pounds lighter, and i probably wanted to quit my vices. ive done none of that. no empty promises this year (just like the last). i wont do that to myself. i want things, i want specific things that i probably cant have or wont have. but i want big things too. things that i need only myself to get. those things will be my new years resolutions. i will resolute them haha.

tomorrow means boston road trip. it means bye bye grandma and pop pop. good christmas with those two. good always. ill miss my grandma telling me the same stories every day, and my grandfather fake fist fighting with me whenever i want. i am so incredibly lucky to have them and i realize that more and more with each passing second. it also means hello uncle mark, aunt ann-marie, taylor and derrick. my new cousins. i love cousins and i hope they got the memo. project boston: make newbies love me. i love home but i miss my city. i miss the noise and the smell (yes even the urine on 60th) and the crazies. jersey crazies are just a little to real...even for me. the city crazies are much more romantic. i'm officially between homes. home is where the heart is...okay i got that much. but whos to say your heart is in one place. thats just foolish isnt it. my heart broke free on the open sky a long long time ago. i left some of it in mexico, a few pieces over paris, sprinkled throughout seville and buried in brasil. my heart transcends location. as all hearts do. pfft dumb sayings haha.

I LOVE YOUUUU I LOVE YOU.

sorry...minor freakout. its time for bed. this is the last entry of the year. i hope i have grown and i hope i have changed. i hope that i am not who i was last year, i hope that i am not who i was yesterday. i want nothing more than to learn and grow and change forever. resolution perhaps? haha we shall see.