i may be paranoid. but im not an android.

tonight is not the best of nights.
i could only hope that its the worst.
i should be so lucky.


its probably because i have not been outside for more than 10 minutes. or maybe its because i have a terrible cough and my voice is pretty much disgusting. or perhaps its what comes with having your iPod on shuffle for over 3 hours. but i am feeling awfully strange.

from a great height
from a great height

everything is off center and blurry. nothing feels calm....just tiny vibrations. im certainly not high or intoxicated or anything that isnt 100% natural. which im pretty sure is what scares me. all im on is little sleep and marvin gaye's voice. warm light. jesus christ light. i have the goddamn cancer light on. NO WONDER. so we're going to say that all of the madness is because of the light. that is what we are going to say and that is what is going to be right. there.

so im afraid that things are not really going well for me right now. they're not going terrible. but they could be better. let me think of ways that my life could improve. i could be getting much higher marks in all of my classes....fuck that, i could be at the very least caring about my shitty grades. i could be using my time much more wisely instead of wasing my life away on the facebook. i could have a boyfriend...fuck that, i could have a boy. i could get more sleep and avoid sickness. i could be skinnier (hated to but had to say it). i could be happier. so those things are all real and possible. however. i would not know where to begin as far as listing ways in which my life could be significantly worse. i would never wish any life upon myself other than the one that i presently lead in fear that i would be forced to live life as most of the world does.
i am incredibly lucky. i am incredibly lucky. i am incredibly lucky.

i need to go to sleep. i have to do some work tomorrow. the more i work the faster i get home. im just going to pretend that makes sense at all. i miss my family so so much. i miss my brother yelling at me to get out of his room while hes on the phone. i miss my sister playing her music loudly on her laptop in hopes that someone will enjoy her song of choice. i miss my mom stopping mid sentence to give me a hug just because. i miss my dad always asking what im watching on tv so he can start a random conversation. good god i dont know when i became such a little girl. everything is tears and fears these days. maybe its the years and years of quivering lips and clenched fists that lead me to this state of emotional inhibition. i used to try so hard to cry. just so so hard. and now...haha anything does the trick. a voice a note a smile. im just a well of teardrop water.

meet me in outerspace. we could spend the night. watch the earth come up.
i've grown tired of that place.

i hate to rely on possibilty and store my treasures in the future, but i think that one day, i will be less alone and that one day i will feel less alone. romanctic pipe dreams are all that sustain me and in turn destroy me. i refuse them nearly every second of every day. i refuse the hazy scenes and underwater glimpses of a happily ever after i may never have. it is not good to constantly dream of things such as love and pain and joy. it is better to dream of things like sandy beaches and chocolate ice cream and the eiffel tower. at least they are real i suppose. who knows i dont know. this post is going to sound quite insane and to be honest i am JUST DYING to read it through. now is the time to end. oh so much love for you.